God, Angels and Elementals

I made it back to 3 classes since not having practiced in close to 3 months. It felt really good to be back. I've lost most of my hard-earned flexibility which was a bummer and I felt a little bit weaker in the muscles but by 3rd class, my flexibility was coming back as was my confidence in my muscles. I have a feeling my muscle memory is taking over and my body will be back to "normal" in no time. One thing that has changed for the positive is my connectedness to the Universe, so to speak. In my time off, despite long days on set, I was fortunate to be extremely aware of God, the angels and various other beings/elementals. This awareness allowed me to bring them into my practice. And, in fact, this mindfulness made my practice that much more "present moment". I look forward to many more classes!

Internal Yoga

I haven't been to yoga class in over 3 weeks. It's hurting my soul fer sure. I have begun shooting my series and I seem to break out in the initial stages of returning to hot yoga. So for the next 7-8 weeks I will be refraining from class. However, I need to do stretches and/or exercise of some kind. My body is starting to tense up and be tighter than a drum. Thankfully I get acupuncture every week or two. Along with that comes energy clearing, crystal healing, chakra clearing, etc. That helps.

I find I'm still on my path, my journey still. I don't feel so bad as I have in the past from all this sitting around. I suppose it's because I have steady income and a fun job so I am satisfied in many ways that I normally wasn't in the past. Yoga is still with me but in a different way at the moment.

Pimples.

I'm at odds. To do Bikram, in my case, means having a bad case of pimples when I haven't done it for a while and then takes a few weeks to go down once I get a regular practice going. Now that my series is starting shooting, I've had a bad case of the pimpl-ees and I'm not very inclined towards doing Bikram until the series is done. That sucks. For having a year pass, that really sucks because I'm basically blowing two months.

However, once I'm done with the series, I plan on jumping in full force and getting a regular practice going.

Mindfulness

I had a difficult class yesterday. However, I'm always proud of myself for making it through to the end. I always do, even if I have to sit a pose out or drink a little more water than usual. I made it and I can be proud of that. I was especially dehydrated yesterday and hadn't really eaten properly so naturally it was difficult.

I am noticing more and more that my legs are taking the Bikram shape. I love it! Though I am going on vacation for a week, I will continue to pull up on my knee caps, tighten my glutes and push my hips forward to keep my muscles in shape there. I love strong, Bikram legs. They're beautiful and they look like you couldn't shake them if you tried. My upper body is also nice and lean, especially my shoulders. The one thing I think lacks in Bikram practitioners is a shapely upper body and abs. It's a matter of tightening those muscles just like we do when constantly pull up on our knee caps. I think Bikram practitioners are so mindful of the thighs that they forget to constantly be flexing the abs. I will, from now on, be mindful of my abs. I have started to already and have noticed a difference.

Keepin' Up

I had a great class yesterday. I want to go to another class today but I have my niece here and I have a nagging feeling that it's rude to leave her by herself with nothing to do. Yesterday's class had a fantastic teacher. She really is encouraging and pushes us to go to our limits. I certainly pushed myself. I aspire to her physique though I know I have a completely different build than her. However, I hope to have a mini version of her body. It's getting there. I also find that classes are spiritually fulfilling with such a vast classroom and change room. There's something about the aesthetics there that make it peaceful and "spa-like" as another student said. My head clears when I'm there. I also like it when I get into a steady rythym and go frequently. Tomorrow, I'll go.

On Again, Off Again

I have gone back after a week and a half and of course, it hurt. I got a low-grade, probably detoxifying, headache last night. I tried to withstand it but buckled and took a regular ibuprofen before going to sleep. I then slept 11 hours. I couldn't believe it! I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 9:30am. I must have needed it.

Yesterday's class was awesome as usual despite it hurting. I'm not a huge fan of practicing at the back of the room but I do. What outweighs that is that I don't like feeling people's eyes on my back when I'm at the front. This way I blend in and practice at my own pace and the teacher also doesn't expect much out of me if I'm way in the back. By Triangle pose, I was wiped yesterday. My mid-lower back is definitely my weakest set of muscles as they tend to ache, almost unbearably, by the time Eagle pose is happening. I can't wait to have a strong back. I am noticing though, that my thigh muscles are really bulging lately. I like that. They're not bulging in a grotesque way, they're just looking sculpted. I'm finally pushing my legs and bum forward properly. I love Bikram instructors' legs/bums. I am starting to see myself in their place. I think, if I ever have to take on a day job again, or decide to do something else to make money, I will become a Bikram instructor. That's years and years down the road. of course. In the meantime, I'm going to become a hard-working, well-known actress who practices Bikram yoga on such a regular basis that she should be an instructor.

Today I hope to get a 4pm class. Might as well stay on the wagon until I go on vacation in a week and a half and fall off the wagon for another week.

Sweet and Light

I'm off to class in about an hour. The 6 o'clock class is a tough one because it's crowded. I had a good class the other day though and intend on a good one today. It's all about the breath. Surprisingly, for not having done yoga in a week, I was still strong. I was even asked to demonstrate standing bow for the class. I couldn't believe it. But there I was, probably showing off too much of my nether region because my shorts were loose. Luckily, it was all women.

My new diet is going along rather well. Not awesome but well. Last night I sowed on my rice crackers. I plan on not shopping for any more groceries if I can help it so I can't sow tonight. I've been eating lots of lentils, rice and greens. In fact, I'm going to go brew another batch of that stuff now so I have enough energy for class. I had a decaf coffee and a donut today. Definitely doesn't fit into my new diet plan but I can't torture myself afterall!

The Journey to Clean!

I'm on Day 3 of a liver cleanse. I thought maybe I could make it to a class this week but I think it's better to lay low. Maybe today I'll do some yoga poses just not full on Bikram. It was really difficult on my first day and night. I had a really bad headache but I managed to ride it out and actually survived a headache without buckling to the pressures of ibuprofen. I actually can't believe I did that. I don't know if I've ever rode a headache out and I've had a LOT of headaches in my time. My dilemma right now is will power. To eat stuff or not to eat stuff? Well, obviously I shouldn't be eating stuff. And I won't. I've made it this far. Tomorrow is my last day. It's luckily a short cleanse. I don't think I could do more than 4 days and plus I think it's really bad for your body to mess with it's metabolism. I feel lethargic today. I plan on doing nothing today. I need to lay low and avoid temptation therefore I'm going to remain at home.

Saturday I plan on going back to yoga. I'm looking forward to feeling the results. I think, based on past classes, my new diet has assisted in making my classes strong. I have come out of each class, since eating more healthy, feeling great. I hope my desires for shitty foods leaves my system. I am sorely tempted or was sorely tempted last night to eat chicken wings and drink beer. However, when we were at the bar for a friend's birthday party, I was content to be drinking tea and not imbibing alcohol. I'm curious as to how to become this healthy, yoga-practicing, macrobiotic-eating individual and not feel like a superior SOB who thinks other people are unhealthy. I want to be anything but. BUT I want to be personally healthy without succumbing to temptations and if and when I do, not succumb to guilt and beat myself up. It's an interesting journey and I KNOW yoga will help in that after every class I feel awesome and have no desire for poopy foods.

Clean and Clear

I bailed on class yesterday. It was for good, lazy reasons. I didn't want to go to yoga. I wanted to just enjoy my Sunday. And I did. I drank my coffee out back and enjoyed the lovely air. Then we went to get some new kitty litter. Then we went to Kensington Market and went crazy shopping for bulk foods. At $79, I scored a lot of food and tea, etc. We grabbed some greens on the way home and tomorrow I'm going to start a liver cleanse. Tonight, however, I'm going to go to yoga fer sure. I might take class during my cleanse and just take it easy since it is a cleanse and I really shouldn't do anything too physically crazy.

Having bought my one-year membership is really psychologically disconcerting. I wish I hadn't and yet I'm really glad I did. The reason I wish I hadn't is because of what it supposedly does to my face. I'm not so sure I agree. I think my diet will help even things out. Therefore, I'm going to plow through Bikram yoga this week even though I'm supposed to stop a week before my period. We'll see how things go.

I figured out I might be allergic to mangoes today. I hardly have this reaction but it made my tongue sore and puffy. It still is. Argh. I love mangoes.

God is Love

I had a good class on Thursday. I went to the 8pm class. I made it through despite some of the less fortunate, coughing, sighing and hefty breathing souls there. My breath is what makes me strong. That and consistency. Going frequently combined with a thoughtful practice makes for strong classes every time. They will feel different, for sure, but they will all be strong. I know it. The breath supports sanity and keeps the mind from letting "the censor" take over aka the demons. I know why the Christian religion teaches about the devil now. It's not to scare us, it's to remind us that we can have control over those demons and take back the love and positivity that God has to offer at all times. God is love and the devil doesn't deserve our attention, in the negative sense. He deserves attention so that we can become aware of those times that he's trying to take over. That's when you stop and let only positive thoughts in.

My diet is slowly adjusting to this new vegan plan. Like I said earlier, I probably won't cut out meat altogether but I'm certainly not opposed to eating a mostly vegan diet. It does honestly feel good. I haven't fallen into a negative place in a while. Granted, I don't work at the restaurant anymore so that immediately cut out a lot of negativity in my life. I was just doing it to make extra money. Part of me still feels guilt for sitting around and not working there, making some extra dough before I go on my various vacations. But another part of me feels great not being there. I'm more positive, doing my yoga, going to a few auditions, dabbling with new recipes and gardening. I'm also able to go to bed early on a consistent basis and not prone to eating the bad foods there at the worst possible hours. My life is no longer toxic. I'm taking this time for me. I'm changing myself slowly but surely and this time right now, is the time to do it. I thank God for this blessing and this time to detoxify and recuperate.

Tomorrow I plan on an 11am yoga class.

Skinny and Pimply

I'm heading off to yoga tonight. Actually, in an hour. I'm going to the 6pm class and then to my husband's comedy show. I need the class. We've been spending a lot of money lately, accidently and on purpose so I need to vent. Yoga and actually, any form of exercise is great for that exact thing: venting. It's an outlet. It clears the mind and allows in fresh thoughts and positivity. I am aiming for just that.

I am sore today from two days ago. I'm figuring to make at least 4 classes a week. I'm strengthening still so maybe just 4 is perfect. That way I have a day to rest my muscles and rebuild them. I want results. I WANT them! I want to be a bit meatier. But I might just have to live with a little body. However, I know, with the power of positive thinking, I can look and feel exactly how I want to. My skin has been a problem for a while now and I'm ready to start sending out positive vibes for it's sake. I've been neglecting the positive vibes for my skin and focusing on the negative only. But I know now that The Secret works. It's time to apply it to the things that cause me anguish, like my skin and my skinny body.

New Diet, New Yoga

I'm back in my practice and pretty effortlessly too. I wonder that I needed the break. I've been taking lots of Chinese herbs as well as changing my diet to a more cooked vegan style, though I'm by no means a vegetarian. I used to be but I think I will maintain a bit of meat and fish in my diet so it won't be so jarring to my system when I go out to eat or visit my mother (who is a staunch meat-eater). I've been eating lots of lentils, veggies, sea veggies and RICE. LOTS OF RICE. That's the base of all my dishes now. The clinic I go to for acupuncture, etc. advises me on this diet, encouraging no meat consumption so that I don't take on the bad energy of a dead animal and so that I don't have meat rotting in my intestines. Gross, I know but the latter part is valid. Right now I'm eating a bowl of Jasmine rice, "build blood stew" and lentils made with Nori seaweed. It's a very Asian diet. I'm open to it because it suits me. It's easy to eat and digest and I'm probably one of the worst eaters around. You just prepare all this food ahead of time and it lasts forever. I eat small meals frequently (or at least, I'm trying to).

I'm drinking lots of tea, i.e. nettles, red raspberry leaf, earl grey, maté, chamomile, etc. I mix the loose leaves with two teaspoons of raw cane sugar and vanilla soy milk and I'm laughing. It's delicious and I drink lots.

I've also been working on changing my sleeping habits. My goal, by the end of the summer, is to be a morning person so that waking up for early call times for the series won't hurt so bad :) Part of changing those patterns (according to my wellness therapist) is to bring all the lights down around 9:30-10pm and aim to be asleep before midnight. To aid in sleeping, she encourages lavendar baths and meditation. I just bought some specific crystals to help with meditation and sleeping and general health and wellbeing. I'm not sure if I believe in it entirely, but I think even the placebo effect is just as valuable. It's about sending out and receiving good brain vibes, right? So what does it matter if crystals work or don't work? It's the thought that counts (lol).

Slowing Down

It's been a while once again. I'm not adjusting to this "other yoga" regimen. For some very odd reason, I can't bring myself to do the other forms of yoga. Instead, I don't do any. I'm a little miffed. My schedule throws me off and then I can't seem to adjust very well. But perhaps, I'm being too hard on myself. I have taken the time to journal and be with myself this time around, which is progress actually. Slowing down and not beating myself up for it is a miracle in and of itself. Eric can be a bit of a whirlwind/Tazmanian devil and I have to acknowledge that that's his own weakness and I don't need to feel bad about slowing down every once in a while. I am always excited to go back to my yoga though. I'm eternally grateful that I signed up for the year. I know I belong to a studio and must go back. Love it!

Just Breathe

I made it to an 8pm class last night. And it was a good one. Finally. I always forget that breath will make it all right. Last night, the instructor made a point throughout class of reminding us to slow down our exhales. I realized that visualizing cold and rain and cooling images only makes the heat more unbearable. Rather, staying present in the hot room and focusing on the relief that the breath brings is far more satisfying. After class, my instructor said I had a strong practice which of course, was encouraging since I always feel like I'm constantly starting over. I'm looking forward to another class tomorrow.

Alas...

Alas, I did not make it today. Instead, I sit up late at night writing my blog about yoga -- that I never practice. However we know I write this so that I stay accountable. I encourage myself through these ramblings.

I'm technically supposed to cease Bikram for the week. According to my yoga earth mother, Andrea, it's blood boiling time. Argh. This one year membership thing is off to a bad start. I'm still saving money no matter what. I WILL make it worth it, damn it! It's at least satisfying to belong to a yoga studio. I love it, in fact. A studio that is my own. It's new and shiny too. It's not old and smelly like my other studio. Now, I did love my former studio but I know I'm learning the Bikram method far more accurately and thoroughly at this new studio. The teachers are fresh from teacher training and they spew out the dialogue so swiftly and deftly. I have learned so much in the few days I've been there compared to the gradual knowledge I've gained at the other studio.

The reason I didn't make it today was because I felt like I needed one more day to recuperate from my crazy week and weekend. I never really recovered from the chaos and knew that my body wasn't up for the challenge. When I looked at my calendar, it indicated that today was when I should stop Bikram. But I saw that after I decided not to go. A lovely coincidence. Eric and I, instead, played tennis at our "club"; a nice set of 4 courts where we pay membership for the comfortable weather months, i.e. May-November.

Well, hopefully I make some kind of yoga class tomorrow!

Hope Springs Eternal

To practice or not to practice? Argh. I'm battling with my tired self. I want to do some yoga since I've missed over a week. I'm looking forward to it but dreading the "first day back". I think my new challenge is to not care because I have a feeling I'm going to be having a LOT of "first days back". It's just the way it is with my lifestyle.

Anyways, just wanted to check in with myself. I hope I make it tonight. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Slow But Sure

It has certainly been a while. I got scared off after my last class. Well, that and I had to go to Alberta for the week and then shoot all day yesterday here in Toronto. I had such a bad class though that last Sunday. But it's an adjustment according to Anne, my wellness therapist. I just have to cope and get through it. Cool. I can do that. The main thing is to listen to my body. Obey my body. Love my body.

I will go back on Monday. I have to work all day tomorrow at the restaurant. I gave my notice at the restaurant; meaning I have two weeks left. I'm not even scheduled to work next week. By giving my notice (which is affordable now!), it will allow me to travel to Long Island to see family, go to Montréal with Eric and maybe even L.A. However, I would like to make Bikram yoga a regular thing as well. I gotta get back on track. It will take some adjusting with my new diet but I will get there. I will persevere and all will be right again! I'm resisting the urge to eat stuff right now though. Can I do it? I'm not entirely sure. There isn't much to eat in the house. Maybe I can do it. There is a tranquility in not eating and chilling out. I know it would go well with the yoga. The two would support each other quite nicely. Slowly but surely I will get there.

It's Cool

Brutal. I nearly rested in class today. I fought it long and hard though and won the battle. I didn't eat enough today. Tomorrow I plan on going to the 3pm class. However, I have a 12pm appointment that will get out around 2pm. Not sure if I'll have an opportunity to have much to eat before class. I hope so because I am not enjoying being weak in these classes. It's much more satisfying and confidence-boosting to be strong and alive not limp and nearly dead. I made it though as difficult as it was. I have made it through every pose since the one day I didn't.

But it still feels neat to belong to a yoga studio, I mean, belong. I was telling Eric I can invest so much more of myself in the teachers and other students that I meet. It's cool and I like it!

One Whole Year!

I did it! I signed up for a whole year of yoga! This is the first time I've ever done this. It's a little crazy but I am so excited. It means I don't have to think about when my membership is up or when my class card runs out. I just show up and they know me. I'm going today at 4pm. I'm excited to be surrounded by the true Bikram experience. Perhaps I won't like it after a year but I have a funny feeling I will enjoy it thoroughly. I'm curious to know if it will be difficult to go there if my show gets big and therefore makes me more recognizable. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. No big deal. I'm sure people will be respectful. It will make me more conscious of being kind to others. I will have a reputation to maintain. It's good to have an impetus for kindness because sometimes it can be hard to keep up either because of a bad mood or laziness. We all know how it is.

I'm still feeling sore from class, not yesterday but from the day before. Yesterday I had to run all over the city trying to get ready for a "casual" party at CTV. It ended up being a lot of fun, more fun than I thought it would be. Everybody was in a good mood and just riding on the good vibes. My cast and writers were celebrating the show getting picked up. We didn't have to stress too much about interviews, etc. Or maybe they did, but I missed them since I came about an hour later than the start time.

It will be an interesting and hopefully great experience trying to balance my work schedule with yoga. I'm thrilled for the challenge. I want to become a morning person too and I know yoga will help that process. I will have to re-evaluate my love of coffee though. I think what I need to do is turn it into a treat rather than a means to waking up. Creature comforts never help when you're trying to roll with whatever challenges pop up because usually if there's a challenge, then that means there's no creature comforts at arm's length and therefore makes said challenge very uncomfortable. That's my advice of the day.

And now, off to yoga!

Inspiration

Yup. I dig the new studio. It's big. The showers are sweet (and private) with great soap. The floors are all either laminate or tile. The teachers are all really good. The change rooms have separate stations for sinks and for blowdrying your hair (with really nice dryers too). I'm going for the yearly membership which is huge for me. But I want to focus on Bikram and this studio will provide an amazing environment for doing so. They even sell Shakti yoga wear, which I think is HOT!

Anyways, I made it today having not made it since Saturday. That has sucked. So, needless to say, both Saturday and today have hurt pretty bad. Add to the pain, the excitement of my TV series getting picked up. Yes, it got picked up! It's super exciting because I've never been part of something like this. The feeling was euphoric, to say the very, very least. To go along with the euphoria, I drank a lot of alcohol (well, not really a lot but a lot for me) and it made me really dehydrated and frankly, constipated. I was in so much pain this morning. I'm pretty sure I have a mild case of IBS. I got all excited and then my tummy fought back. I know if I go to yoga more often, all will be right again. It always gets better since I've had this issue in the past.

One noteworthy thing for anyone reading this (if there is), when feeling a lack of love for hot yoga, especially after a tough class, go to a hot yoga forum or a Bikram website and read people's testimonials. They are usually inspiring and give you just the boost you need to go back for more. I get hooked reading about teachers or other practitioners who's lives have been transformed by, not only yoga, but Bikram's yoga specifically.

Tomorrow, I will attempt a 9am class. Yikes.

Groovy

Much better today! My nutrition beforehand was A-OK. I could have used a little more energy but that's to be expected in the first classes. I'm just happy to be back. I had absolutely no headache after class this time. I'm pretty sure my first class back was a little too hot. That would wipe anybody out but especially me :) I actually noticed that the owner of the studio was practicing near me and she had a gigantic pool of sweat surrounding her mat. Today's class was hot but not overwhelming. Honestly, though, proper hydration is essential.

I did okay but I didn't get any compliments. I shouldn't need them but heck, it feels good. Once I get my groove back, I'll be compliment-worthy. Lame, lame, lame, I know. Tomorrow, I will venture to a noon class.

My First Day -- All Over Again

Well, lemme tell ya...I went to the new studio and holy sugar shacks! It was a stupid hard class for me. Before that class I hadn't practiced my yoga in over 2 weeks. I also was poorly hydrated and of course, being the mediocre eater that I am, I didn't have enough fuel in me. It sucked ass, to put it mildly. I made it though. I only sat down once, right after triangle pose. I sat through the first set of standing separate leg head to knee pose but managed to do the 2nd set. The reason I made sure I did that pose was because I knew if I got my head below my heart, I would feel better. If I have learned anything valuable, it's that I feel better when I get into the poses. I generally feel like shite if I sit or stand a pose out. A good stretch feels a million times better than doing nothing.

At the moment, I'm trying to get sufficiently hydrated and drinking a nutrient/protein-rich smoothie. Hopefully it will be just the right fuel I need to get through a 3pm class. It won't take long to get back on track but it'll take a couple classes to feel like normal again. I just hope I can practice when I go out to Alberta for a close to a week.

New Studio

I haven't written in a while because I haven't done yoga in a while. Tomorrow I go back and I can't wait. My timing was all off on the balancing with my period and doing other styles of yoga. Instead I just sat around. No, actually, I've been busy. I've been auditioning and I just had a day on set with Rob Lowe the other day. I have another day on set with him and then I also fly out to Alberta to play a country singer on Heartland. Pretty cool.

Tomorrow I am going to try the new Bikram studio out. If I like it a lot, I can get a yearly membership for $999. That's a huge deal. That's like $83 a month! Even if I just went 2 days a week, that would still be a great deal. I hope I enjoy it there. I went to one class there, and while it was huge, if I can secure a spot near the front of the studio, I should be alright. But if I find it too difficult to snag a spot near the mirrors, then it won't be the studio for me. I just really remember how the heat was good but not overwhelming. I sweat buckets but I didn't get consumed.

It's been four days since I've practiced any sort of yoga. And I'm okay with that. I've been busy in my acting life and that's been keeping the demons at bay. I know, however, that I should be doing my yoga but at the moment I'm seriously enjoying a cup of coffee, a smoothie, writing a blog and all while I'm in my pajamas. And oh yes, I'm listening to the 2nd part of Joel Plaskett's album "Three". It's perfect on a rainy day such as this. Later, I'm meeting my husband to see Star Trek. He's so skeptical since I'm not a Trekkie and I think more than anything he's worried that I'm a real nerd. I was recently watching the documentary Darkon and learned so much about the world of role playing. Afterwards, I went so far as to research the world of role playing in Ontario. I just want to dress up like a Renaissance princess and go to a Faire this summer. Seriously, how fun would that be?! I think it's the actor in me. I'll have to find a friend who's like-minded enough to appreciate the experience.

Now, I think the root of my yoga problem is the transition from Bikram to regular temp styles. I was informed by my earth mother yoga lady, Andrea, that I need to stop doing Bikram/hot yoga a week before my period until it's finish because my blood boils and the outlet for that boiling is through my face in the form of pimples. So I haven't done yoga for 4 days now but I should be. It's only when I have my period that I should stop altogether. Argh. I'll get it right. It's just this initial transition that's disruptive. I don't like disruptions. I think I resort to hermit-like behavior because I don't want to change. But I will. Slowly.

I Really, Really Do

My, oh, my. I have survived yoga. Actually, I should have written that yesterday. I felt like I was going to die in class yesterday. It was a 4pm class, the heat was full force and I got stuck in the middle to hottest side of the class. I went to class this morning, however, and felt good/great. I put myself on the cooler side of the room which is definitely my "good side". I was in a better mood too. I hated that my teacher didn't mention me at all during class (ego!) but she tended to my ego today and made me feel much better. I didn't think I was all that susceptible to encouragement or lack thereof. I think, really, more than anything was that I was dehydrated yesterday and I am now fully realizing that afternoon classes are shite for me. I either have to go in the morning or in the evening but not in between. I learned that by reading my dosha (if that's how you say it). My type is a blend between Vata and Pitta. Basically, I'm a blend between hot and cold. So true. I think my blood is "boiling" in the afternoon and a hot, sweaty class is not a good idea.

Tomorrow I might take the day off or I might go try out the new Bikram studio in the St. George area. They're giving out free classes on the weekend. Perhaps I'll give it a whirl. Just when I thought I was done with this studio I'm at right now, my teacher redeemed herself. I truly started to feel like she was alienating me for whatever reason. She always mentions how pretty I am. I get so aggravated by that because life to me isn't about that. I wonder where she's coming from when she makes these comments. I think, is it the same as our friend Lorette who out and out insulted me? Or is she truly fascinated by my "beauty"? The vibe I got today is that she was testing me as to how obsessed with my own beauty I actually am. She was surprised by my lack of interest in the subject. That's why it felt like a test, like she really wanted to see how shallow I am. I think she's only now starting to realize that I could give a shit about looks. I really want to tap into something bigger. Of course, I am doing my yoga to stay in shape but it's twofold. I want, more than to stay in shape, to tap into God, the universe, the life force in us all. Yes, I can be in my own world and not appear to care about such things, but it's merely because I'm shy. I really do care.

Afternoon Delight

Wow. What a difference in my flexibility from morning to afternoon. Today I went to the 6pm class. I'm soooo much more flexible in the afternoon. It made me feel good about myself and the progress I've made in my yoga. When you go to morning classes, it's all about accepting the stiffness and the feeling that you're really not all that good. But when I need a pick me up, I will most certainly go to an afternoon/evening class. I really notice my progress from day 1 in a later class. I always used to take classes later in the day. Now that I know the benefit of early classes, I don't have the satisfaction of being as flexible. But just when I feel bad about my progress, I will from now on go to a later class.

The hardest pose for me, right now, is standing head to knee. Just when I thought I was really getting it, I realized that I'm jamming my leg too far back into my hip. Now, I'm working on using my strength to get my leg out of my socket and more out front. Definitely harder and it requires more strength. Good. I like that. It means my work is never done. There's always something to tweak. It means class will never be too easy. If it gets too easy then it's time to find something more challenging. I don't really ever want to stop Bikram so I'm happy to know it's going to be difficult for a long time, and maybe forever. One thing I've come to realize, based on what my teachers have said, you have to work just as hard if not harder as you get older. So, it will always require a hearty effort, no matter how long I do it.

Lotsa Tidbits

I was so worn out after a 9am class yesterday, followed by a stressful audition and then work at the restaurant. One thing I've come to discover is that my lower back gets extremely tight and sore after a shift at work. I guess my body is stacked on top of itself for over 4 hours, at least, without any sitting down. If it's busy, then forget about it. I must do bizarre things to my back as well while I'm working, other than just standing and walking for a lengthy period of time. I can never get over how painful and stiff it is to bend over in Half Moon. Or I guess that's technically a forward bend. What's that called again? I'll have to look it up.

Anyways, I've really been enjoying waking up and going straight to class. My body is weak, sore, stiff, you name it. But the feeling of stretching my body when it is least capable of stretching feels SO good.

One thing I keep noting is that I'm more flexible later in the day when I go to an afternoon/evening class. Well, of course I am. Everyone is. Now, by going to morning classes, I am most likely even MORE flexible if I were to go back to an afternoon/evening class. Some day I will double up and see what I'm like in the afternoon.

Another interesting thing worth noting is that since I haven't had any alcohol in over a week (minus 1 half pint of beer last Friday), I have been more regular. Yes, that kind of regular. The less alcohol in me, the more hydrated I am. Obviously, that makes total sense but I'm really seeing a difference. When I did the 30-day challenge back in January, I noticed the same thing. I was drinking a ton of water and hardly any alcohol. And if I did, it was in moderation and never to the point where I got drunk. It's also better on my moods. I don't swing so much since there's less sugar in my body. I have had a craving for food rather than alcohol too. I think that's natural as well. I'm enjoying a fruit smoothie with a Vega smoothie mix in it. The mix is a raw, vegan blend with greens and Omegas and protein. I put a banana, 2 mangos and an orange in the blender with the mix and 1 cup of water. Delicious!

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the 6pm class. It'll be sort of in between Wednesday and Thursday since I might have to miss class on Thursday due to the Ayurvedic facial. I might stink of oils and whatnot and I know how sensitive my teacher is. She made a little-big deal of someone's perfume that I couldn't even smell and I'm pretty sensitive.

Anyways, that's that for today. A good, moderately strong class with not a lot of flexibility. I was pretty zen throughout. I like going and love the feeling afterwards even more.

Muy Difficult

Today was muy difficult. I had a headache all through class and was ready to walk out at Half Moon. I'd say that's a pretty pathetic start. But I am really proud of myself for surviving. It was hard. I even got nauseous at one point during floor poses. My muscles are terribly strained/weak/tired. I don't know why. It's just been like this the last two classes. Maybe it's the food I'm eating, or not eating.

I noticed the other day (Tuesday I think), my sweat smelled really badly of ammonia. It was gross, actually, how bad my towel smelled that day and a couple days later when I put it in the washing machine. Apparently, according to the research I did online, my body starting breaking down my amino acids (proteins/muscles) in order to get glucose because there were apparently no carbohydrates left in my system. The general consensus online is that your body breaks down amino acids to get the glucose, then the body is left with nitrogen. If the kidney can't process all of it, it leaves the body smelling like ammonia. So, I guess the solution is to have an apple or in my case today, a candy, before class. I didn't smell like ammonia today or yesterday. Carbs are good for my body type no matter what the current view of carbs is, i.e. Atkins Diet. In fact, I had a late night bowl of pasta last night knowing that I had a class in the morning. Maybe that's why I love pasta so much?

Regardless, I really feel the need to go to a nutritionist. I would love for someone to look at my body and say, "Okay, this is exactly what you need for the type of lifestyle that you lead." (I rhymed!) I feel like I'm the worst eater in the world or is that just a label I put on myself? It's a sure thing that I should stop putting labels on everything that I do. I'm much too critical.

Anyways, I'm glad I'm on a roll with yoga. All it takes for me is two good days in a row and I feel like I can keep going. Tomorrow I'm going to the 11am class. Monday, though, I have to drag my arse out of bed again for a 9am class. I must stop seeing it as negative and see it as positive! I'm changing that schedule I was talking about yesterday. It's time to put my life into focus for my series. The yoga is keeping/making me healthy in order to maintain a rigorous schedule when we start shooting.

I Did!

I was there at 9am. It was difficult, fer sure, but I made it and I felt great, as I knew I would. I took it pretty easy on myself since it was so early and I didn't have much energy. My muscles were a tad weak too. I am hoping maybe to get a regimen of the three 9am classes and the two 12pm Bikram classes going. I know I always feel better and accomplish more afterwards once I have started my day with yoga. It's not that hard to not have my coffee. It's an amazing reward afterwards too. Tomorrow I am going to the 11am class and on Sunday as well. If I set out all of my gear the night before, sleep until about 20 minutes before having to leave, drink a 16oz. glass of water, then I feel good to go. I could maybe afford to have a candy or something to give me a fast carb boost. But if I do it that way, then I don't feel the desire to drink my coffee before I head to class. It'll basically leave me no time to make or drink it. I'll try that out and see what happens.

I had done the dosha questionnaire associated with my Ayurvedic facial that I'm getting next week (www.ayurvedictouch.com). It is simply a set of questions designed to figure out your Ayurvedic personality type. I am most definitely a Vata. And the test results indicated that my best time of day to exercise is early in the morning (6-10am) and the worst is between 2-6pm (when I usually practice yoga). It also said my day should end around 10pm. I agree with all of that. I just love to sleep so much and drink coffee, so much, that I generally don't start and end my day early. Time to change all that, especially when I start shooting my series. I will have very early days. I'm just wondering when I'll be able to fit in my practice when I have such long and early days. I'll probably have to downsize and simply do what I can and when I can. I'm pretty sure the biggest lesson I can teach myself is to stop beating myself up so much. Combined with that, though, I must DO. By "do", I mean, I can't not beat myself up AND sit on my arse at the same time. I must try to do my best. If I don't accomplish that task, then I can't beat myself up.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I am starting to seriously slack off in the yoga department. I'm thinking, since I can't make it tonight or actually, don't want to (will explain) then I may attempt to do it tonight here in the apartment. The reason I don't want to make it to class is because it is at 8:30pm. Tomorrow morning, I want to attend a 9am class since I have to work at 5pm. I need to start packing in my yoga every day. My excuse today was needing to pay my income tax/GST after going to my accountant first. However, I did spend most of the afternoon farting around town. While that was pleasant, I really should have gotten home in time to turn around for a 4:30pm class. Oh well. I won't beat myself up. I've started loading myself up with water and a little Goji Bliss for energy. Then I plan on mopping the floors, doing some yoga and hopefully getting to bed early. I will make the 9am class. I will.

Toughen Up

I bailed today. It was too good a sleep to get up for an 11am class and it was too gorgeous a day to go to the 2:30pm class. Eric and I wanted to spend time together instead. We teamed up with some friends and went to lunch in our neighbourhood. It was really nice to do that instead of just going to a Moksha yoga class at 2:30pm. I've become so attached to Bikram that I wasn't very inclined to just "make it" to class. If I couldn't make Bikram, I kinda knew I wasn't going to make it to any other kind of class. Tomorrow I shall go.

I can see how it's going to be hard on the weekends in the summertime though to make it to yoga. I like to sleep in but my most ideal times to go on the weekend would be 9am. That way I have the rest of my day to enjoy and I probably would feel fantastic if I started my day with yoga. However, I like to drink alcohol and often times I'm inclined to sleep my arse off after a couple beers and not get up in time for a morning class. Somehow, if I'm not going to give up my beers, then I have to get tougher and wake up in time for class.

Courage

I had a great practice yesterday despite the niggling feeling leftover from the insult. I offered up my practice for Lorette's unkind words and was able to let it all go. I actually couldn't believe I'd let it all go. I was really concerned that I was going to feel heavy and unable to complete the sequence. I took it one pose at a time and soldiered on quite admirably. It was difficult but I was fully engaged and not thinking about my bad feelings.

I have to admit though it's not hard to see, I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have made some good resolutions though. I forgot that I had taken some photos of my body in December in order to have them as a comparison to my (hopefully) improved, muscular body. I took some "after" shots last night, compared them and realized that I haven't changed a gall darn bit! Rather than being disappointed by the lack of results, I was overjoyed. It meant that I was right. I haven't gotten skinnier. However, when I ruminated over that, I was sickened by the fact that this woman had out and out insulted me -- and she's a medical doctor! She hadn't noticed my body getting skinnier, she just wanted to put me down. It's funny how things work. I thought I was taking photos of my body in December to watch it's progress but I was taking photos for when this day would come when I would have to defend myself.

Now, I must let it all go. When I see Lorette, like I've already said, I will tell her I don't feel comfortable discussing my body with her. I will perhaps add to it that I had taken photos in December and photos now and I haven't changed at all. However, it will probably make her feel more stupid if I simply say, "You made me feel very uncomfortable when you insulted my body the other day and I would prefer it if you didn't talk about my body, in general. Thank you." Will I have the courage? I don't know. I hope so.

Stalling

I'm reading all about teacher training right now. I am stalling from doing my taxes. My hubby is on a business trip and I've got nothing to do except receipts and then yoga tonight.

I'm still really perturbed about yesterday's insult. I started reading about teacher training because I initially started looking into a healthy yoga diet. Frankly, I feel and think I look healthy but I would prefer if my body type didn't provoke old, jealous women to make comments about being too skinny. So, I would like, if only for that reason, to develop a diet that is not only healthy but maybe makes me look so healthy I'll shut those bee-atches up.

What really perturbs me is that this woman doesn't know what I have looked like for the past 30 years. If she did, she wouldn't make such snide comments. Argh. I want to give her a piece of my mind but I know it goes against my nature and would only stir up bad energy. Her own karma will get the best of her. God knows what her intentions were and if they weren't good, then God can pass judgment. If I encounter her again, I will simply ask her to keep her opinions to herself. I will tell her I felt very uncomfortable because of her comments and that I would like to stop talking about my body with her. Plain and simple.

I am looking forward to class tonight! To quote Mother Teresa, "If people are unkind, be kind anyways."

My First Yoga Insult

Bizarre day for me today. Not only did Aunt Flo come for a visit, which was painful enough but I received a bizarre insult from one of the students at the studio I go to. Before class started, I noticed the woman who gave the insult (Lorette) plunk her mat down almost in front of me so that I had to move my mat before we started doing half moon. I don't make eye contact with a soul usually so I didn't make a big deal of it, I just moved. Then throughout the class I got a vibe that wasn't great coming from her direction, whether it was disappointment in her stiffness or competition with those around her, I don't know, it just didn't feel right. Well, I got in the shower after class and Lorette's there. Again, I don't make eye contact -- especially there. I just want to get 'er done and get out, ya know what I'm sayin?. Well, she started talking to me. First thing out of her mouth was that I'm too skinny. Like, what?! How about, "That was a nice class, eh?" Nope. Then I found myself on the defensive with this woman I hardly know, except that she's a doctor, she plays a lot of tennis and she's got a foreign accent; three things that make it difficult to understand where she was coming from. Was she coming from a doctor's perspective of concern, was she feeling competitive because of the tennis or was she from a country that frowns on thin women? Perhaps all three put together. I dunno. It was weird since we were both naked and I at one point had turned my shower off to get the f%&* outta there and she kept talking to me. She proceeded to say that her daughter had lost weight and she told her to get on a scale and check. This was her "subtle" way of telling me to get on a scale. However, I knew she had a different agenda and wasn't really listening to me since I had just said that I had stepped on a scale a couple weeks ago and I was the same weight I've always been. She wasn't listening and she didn't care. That's when I knew that she was just insulting me and making me feel uncomfortable. I think I was validated when my husband told me that he would never say that to someone, period. In restrospect, what I could have said (per advice from my ever-lovin' hubby) was "I don't feel comfortable having this discussion right now." That would have put her in her place and I wouldn't have been in the awkward position (no pun intended) of defending myself. Again, weird. I hope I never have to encounter a situation like that again.

As for class, it was lovely and not too hot. Just right considering I was feeling less than my best. I was pretty strong though, considering. I did standing head to knee with hardly any effort and I even managed to almost get my head to touch my knee on my right side. I think when I tell myself that I don't have to push very hard, I still put in a tremendous amount of effort and come out feeling like I did hardly any work. It's great. I wish I could use that mindset for every class but I know that's not fair to me and to the rest of the class. It was nice for today though!

Rest Day 2

I really should be doing my taxes, or actually organizing my receipts so my accountant can do my taxes. But I'm stalling. It's way more fun to write my blog. I am resting today. I could have gotten up early and gone to yoga. I actually did wake up without an alarm around 7:45am, thought, "Neat, I didn't even need to set an alarm and my body knew what time to get up." Then I proceeded to fall back asleep. It's a rainy day and my eyelids were heavy. Can ya blame me?

So, the question remains, "Is this really a 30-day challenge if I am taking a day off every 2 days?"

In response, I say yes! I know my body now. It needs one day to recuperate every couple of days. A 30-day challenge isn't the same for everyone. I don't need to share that on the forum since some people like to say things like, "I don't need a rest day, I felt great during my 30-day challenge." It's my version of a challenge. Someday maybe I will be strong enough to skip the day off but for now, it's good for me and it's good for my psyche.

I should maybe come up with a meditation plan and/or yin yoga plan for my days off. That would make it productive and would help to keep my mind on my yoga and the spiritual side of things. I am teetering right now after having just watched Religulous, the documentary about organized religion by Bill Maher. I'm not a fan of him to begin with, but he made some interesting points. I like to know all aspects so that I'm educated in all ways of thought and belief. Anyways, my spirituality was challenged since Mr. Maher pushed the whole athiest/agnostic bent. I've never really understood it but they seem to come from a place of, "Prove God or else don't make me believe in one." I understand that, but I felt challenged when Mr. Maher said people have made up an imaginary friend to talk to who believes in them and makes them feel good about themselves. Is that true? I don't know. I don't think so but he made a strong case for "I don't know." What I do know is that I have felt something that is not just myself or my mind at work. Actually, I don't know but I have felt something that seemed otherworldly/God-like/etc. He's certainly challenged my faith.

What is faith and is God real? Perhaps that's my meditation for the day. Hmmm...

Day 3-4

I'm sore. In a good way. I just went 2 days in a row and feel really good. No bad pain, i.e. my knees. I've been strong even when I had 2 beers last night and a whole lotta chips. I woke up this morning, drank a little water and had a good strong class. I definitely prefer practicing directly in front of the mirror. It helps my concentration tremendously and keeps any thoughts about the people around me out of my head. I just zero in on eye contact with myself and I'm generally able to concentrate. Plus, I hate half locust and this way I don't have to see myself in the mirror. If I'm in the second row then I usually see my foot straining to stay in the air. I hate that. I just want to feel it, not see it. It's probably my most pathetic pose, that's why.

My one grudge is that I wish I could get my arse out of bed and go to morning classes all the time. My body feels great for the rest of the day and I'm usually more motivated afterwards. However, getting up and getting there is always a bitch. My teacher made an interesting suggestion. I should make my cup of coffee before class, enjoy the smell and drink it. The catch? Instead of swallowing...spit. Heh, heh. So, I'm going to try it the next time I have a morning class. I was planning on skipping class tomorrow but if I feel inspired, the only class I can make it to is at 9am. Therefore, I can try this little experiment tomorrow. We'll just see about that. I can guarantee I'll have a proper cup afterwards.

Rest Day

It was a good day for a rest. I gave her yesterday and I am sore today. I wish I could give like that every day. I suppose I could considering I had a headache yesterday. That's probably the worst condition for me, like I complained about in the Day 2 entry. Tomorrow I will go to an 11am class, I think. The only other option is 6pm but I've discovered that the later in the day I go, the more flighty my breath is. By flighty I mean that it's more shallow either from caffeine in my body or just that my stress level is more heightened by that time of day. Not sure which but I know that the pranayama is difficult by the second round. And as an update, my knees are doing okay. There was a little pain this morning in my left knee but I had felt that yesterday during class so I didn't push myself in toe stand on the left side.

Day 2

Whew! Day 2 is done. I'm still good at it. Go figure. I just hate getting back in the swing o' things. I've had a headache for 2 days as well, not from yoga but from something in the air or a cold or barometric pressure. Obviously, I'm not sure which but I am unfortunately succumbing to the Advil. I hate giving in but headaches generally make me nauseous so I gotta get rid of them as soon as I can. Believe it or not, I've never been able to get rid of a headache without the aid of drugs. I wish I could but I can't. I'm always amazed at people who can.

Anyways, I am happy to be back. I revealed my secret 30-day challenge to my teacher today during class. She mentioned that I come a couple days a week so I blurted out that I had just started my 30-day challenge. She was like, "Ohhh." But it was fun today because my skills were utilized to help instruct two newbies. She asked me and another girl who was well-versed in Bikram to lead the class with her verbal instruction. I've done it before, however unknowingly, because sometimes you can sense new people watching your every move. The beautiful thing about yoga is that you don't have to be "good" at it, you just need to know the routine and by knowing the routine and the proper alignment, new students can follow along.

My form is nice and strong these days. My least favorite, by far, is triangle pose and locust. Triangle is just taxing and difficult for everyone, I'm pretty sure. For me, I have a hard time getting my lunge far down. My hips aren't very open going sideways and my legs are weak. However, to give myself some credit, my thighs are definitely stronger than they've ever been. I have definition in my thighs that I never had a couple of months ago. Nice striations in and between the muscles when I go into my lunge. My bum is still flabby but I know it won't be like that forever. I just gotta keep working. Locust will certainly help that "problem" but I loathe it. I do try to utilize my bum muscles as much as I can though.

So 2 days down. Tomorrow would require me to be there at 9am. Not too sure about that one. Wish me luck!

Getting Prepped

I'm excited to begin. That's why I'm writing before my class and not just after. I am going to take it easy in this first class back after a whole week of chowing on candy, junk food and alcohol. I am going to do another 30-day challenge and I am going to succeed!

If I had a creed, it would include the promise that I will not beat myself up if I miss a day. I was much too hard on myself the last time. The one reason I may not make a handful of days is if there are no Bikram classes at the time I can make it. My studio offers a different style hot class throughout the week but it's not my thing.

My focus this time around will be strictly Bikram. If I was right in my assessment from the last 30-day challenge, the combination of the two was too stressful for my knees. I am eager to see my progress with a strictly Bikram routine. If I see no difference, then I know that it's because yoga 7x a week is too much for me. If my knees are okay, then I'll know that Bikram is good for me.

Ugh.

I thought today would be the day I go back. It's not. I have to work an emergency shift at my restaurant. One of the employees is in the hospital so I'm going in. I never, ever cover shifts anymore because I frankly don't really care about the job anymore. I've had my fill of it but I do like my employers and they're very good to me so it's about time I paid them back a bit.

This past weekend was a weekend of excess for me. I ate too much candy and drank too much alcohol. I'm actually nervous to go back to yoga because of how bad it might feel. I'm completely and utterly dehydrated and I'm not inclined towards waking up early and I'm certainly not inclined towards waiting for my coffee until after the class. That's got to be the worst part of doing yoga on a regular basis, missing my coffee first thing. I wish I didn't see it as torture. I've got a lot to change about myself. It was starting to become a very good habit and suppose it still is in that I am motivated to go back save for a few fears.

I need to regulate my sleep schedule. That is the most important thing for me. I wake up feeling so disappointed in myself when I look at the clock and it says 11am. However, I can't fall asleep until at least 2:30am. So, in reality, I'm only getting a regular night's sleep of 8 hours. I also need to have a regular eating schedule. I'm the worst eater in the world. Actually, I'm one of the most disorganized and unmotivated people I know. I have nothing but my career to live for and my schedule is dictated by no obligations and no self-discipline. It's frustrating. I don't like routines very much, as you can tell, and I don't like living by other people's schedules but this is getting out of hand. I'm a bit dramatic, sure. It's only been a week since my last yoga class. But I think more than anything, I need to get my life organized not just my yoga practice.

Guilt

I will be "starting over" on Tuesday. Such is life. I'm extremely disappointed in myself but also quite ecstatic to not have anything physical to do. So, am I really disappointed or is it just Guilt? It's a bit of both. This often happens to me when I get this far into an activity or hobby or even, say, my career. I'm noticing this as a pattern. I remember many a time in my early days as an actor when I was thoroughly disgusted with the profession and the people involved in it. I think the same is happening for hot yoga. I am so uninterested in the people that do hot yoga because of either their over-eager enthusiasm or their apparent and very obvious "pain." Needless to say, it's something I need to get over because I really do enjoy this yoga. I have a hard time keeping the focus on myself right now. I'm obviously much too distracted and annoyed with all the people around me. With time, I hope to tune all these folks out and/or accept them for who they are and the reasons they do yoga.

Help!

Ack! Help! I can't seem to get my arse out of bed in the morning and off to yoga. It's getting dire right now. I have gone to 1 class this week. 1! I was supposed to be at class yesterday but I missed it by mere minutes and I hate being late and rushed so I didn't rush and I didn't want to show up late even if my teacher would let me in.

I gotta get back on track but I'm not sure how to get my motivation. I find yogis in the Bikram lineage to be a tad annoying so the forum isn't really a source of inspiration for me (http://www.hotyogadoctor.com/index.php/site/forum/). The health benefits and the look my body has taken on should be inspiration enough. But it ain't.

I will get myself to an 11am class tomorrow. I know I just simply need to get myself there in order to not feel so defeated. Plus, I have paid for a monthly pass and I have to make it worth the money. I have been stressed and excited by my acting prospects that I haven't been able to focus. Also, I have been going to bed super late (because I can't fall asleep) and waking up equally late, i.e. noon. That kills an entire day. But if I can't make myself fall asleep, then I don't know how to remedy this. I think I need to put myself to bed at a ridiculously early hour, like 9:30pm, take some melatonin and try each evening to get myself to sleep earlier and earlier. When I book my series, I will have tons of 5am mornings and at the rate I'm going, that will be hell on earth for me. Yoga is always best first thing in the morning anyways.

I find I lose my spiritual connection swiftly when my acting prospects start looking up. I become super worldly and completely forget my desire and need for spiritual connection. That should be inspiration enough, especially this Easter weekend.

Happy Easter!

New York, New York

I'm getting used to not practicing for 3 days straight. I haven't been since Friday. My husband and I ventured to New York for the weekend and arrived back home late Sunday night. We went on a Thursday and somehow, I managed to make it to a class on Friday.

It was intense. I went to the Bikram studio on the Lower East Side; the pink one. The vibe I get from new Bikram studios and new Bikram teachers, no matter where in the world, is so intense it's almost not healthy. It doesn't feel like "yoga". There's nothing peaceful about it. They just spew out the same, by-the-book dialogue that they're taught at Teacher Training. It's also what I would imagine boot camp to feel like. There's no room for the mental pain factor because frankly, in my opinion, that's the only real pain that exists. It hurts physically but once the heat starts to permeate your brain, it's all over. This studio was packed to the rafters and I, being from out of town and not sure of where to go and how long it will take, arrived just in time which meant I had the worst spot in the room. I was RIGHT next to heaters, both to my side and behind me. The room was stacked 3 rows deep so that I, being in the 3rd row, could barely see myself in the mirror. Then, to make it wonderfully worse, after a rainy, rainy afternoon, the sun came blasting through the windows during the floor series. Where was I, aside from being next to 2 heaters? You got it, right next to the windows. The sun shown just when I was mentally about to crack. It was such a HOT room even without the sun. Luckily I had a hair band that I put to good use. I covered my eyes like I was some Zen yogi practicing with a blindfold. I KNOW I looked like a kook but I was so cranky with this teacher that I wanted to piss him off by doing something "different". The reason I was so cranky was because he had drawn the curtain for one half of the room when the sun started shining but not for my half. I was so fragile and pissed at that point, that I swore to myself that he was doing it on purpose. And the reason I thought he was doing it on purpose? He kept insisting that we all stay together and I know I was occasionally and accidentally going ahead of his robot dialogue. This was probably so far from the truth but like I said, I was fragile and took everything personally. There were at least 50 people in the room so obviously there was no friggin' way he was "getting revenge" on me :)

Anyways, I am eager to get to my regular studio today. It's peaceful there and I can focus and concentrate. My teacher is the most senior Bikram teacher in Canada so he's achieved a Zen that new Bikram teachers aren't even close to finding. I think most young/new Bikram teachers treat this yoga as a "workout" and not as a means to meditation and inner peace. I will forgive them. They are yoga babies and hopefully by the time they reach the age of 90, they will be Zen masters and gentle yogis rather than automatons who worship this man, Bikram.

Here We Go Again!

Bad, bad, bad. I haven't been to yoga in 4 DAYS!!! WHAT?! I've been busy doing a shoot but the past 2 days I have absolutely NO excuse. I'm dreading going back today. I have been stalling which class to go to. I dread how hard it will be on my weak muscles. But I gotta do it, right? Right, I think. On a purely vain note, the reactions alone to the look of my body have been worth doing Bikram. The costume department on the pilot I did were very complimentary so I think I better keep doing it for the simple reason that costumes will fit that much better than on my old body. Okay, I'll update you on how tonight's class goes. Ugh. I keep making myself start over. But such is life, no?

...continued from today...so, it's 4:55pm and I am still stalling. there's a class at 8:45pm tonight. I hope people show up. I don't want to be the only one there. But I might have to be. I gotta go. Argh.

Morning Vs. Night

I went to class yesterday and today. I went last night at 7:30pm. I was nice and flexible and pretty strong. I went today at noon, without any food or coffee in me and I was fairly stiff and a little weak. My arms were not cool with an "early morning" workout. In Bikram you have to maintain straight, strong arms in most of the standing poses. Those triceps were not in the mood, lemme tell ya. It didn't take long to get warmed up though. And I am much more calm after having just woken up and no caffeine coursing through my veins. If I go later in the day, my pranayama is tense and agitating and my breathing through my practice is much more laboured. However, I don't push myself as hard in the morning as I do at night. At night I have a really strong, intense practice. Whereas, my morning practice is all about waking up my muscles and joints so I'm less inclined for a "workout". It's definitely more spiritual in the morning and more of a workout in the aft/evening.

Quickie

I'm pleased to say I made it back yesterday after 3 days away. I renewed my monthly pass but I'm going to take today off. I'm feeling a little under the weather since I slept pretty poorly last night. Not sure why. Anyways, class was GREAT! It was difficult but everyone was well versed in the Bikram style so there was a collective energy carrying everyone. We were all trying our hardest and it was awesome! When there is a calm in the air, it's so much easier to go further and push harder without it feeling like "further and harder".

Today I've been up since the early hours and had a callback for a new role on a TV show up here. So I think my adrenaline was all used up, hence the need for a rest.

Tomorrow I am back. I have the whole day off with no stresses -- yet.

Venting

I'm none too pleased with my lack of yoga. I have missed yoga 3 days in row! I had a shoot today but conceivably I could have made it to a 9am class -- that would have been pushing it, mind you, since I wanted to go to an 11am mass. Yesterday was excusable as I had to work all day and then run to a fitting for said shoot. However, Friday night was just plain disappointing. I had the car that day because of an audition and I was happy because I could drive myself to yoga. When I got there, I had a PRIME spot right in front of the studio. But I had no way of paying the meter. I left my damn credit card in my other coat pocket. I drove around the block a few times and realized there were no available spots since I couldn't park in them until 7pm and it was only 6pm. I was angry and just kept driving.

I think there's a little part of me that's spiteful since one of my teachers asked me how my body was handling the yoga since I wasn't taking it as often. Me, being skeptical of people's motives, I automatically (and still) assume that she's being snarky about my infrequent attendance. She just didn't realize (and I forgot to say something at the time) that I was sick for an entire week and that's why she hadn't seen me. As my imagination would rather believe, I think she was giving me a jab. So, all in all, I think subconsciously I've stayed away just to show her her snarkiness hasn't affected me.

The reason I think she's snarky is because she's made comments in class that have made me feel uncomfortable. For instance, she pointed out in class the size and flabbiness of her post-childbearing belly. I could care less! I'm not there judging her and saying, "Ew! Gross! She's so ugly!" To go along with the comment about her belly, she makes me feel self-conscious by comparing our bodies by saying something along the lines of "You're stomach is so fit and mine's not." She also made a comment about me to a crowded class about how "Mary might have a really nice body but she needs to work at her flexibility." Is that a constructive comment or a really subtle way of jabbing at me? Needless to say, rather than making me feel good, it makes me feel awkward. I really could care less but I wish she would knock it off. Maybe it's her Hungarian blood that makes her so blunt. It's her own insecurities, bottom line.

Anyways, blee blee blah blah. Since no one reads this anyways, that's why I've written what might appear as egocentric comments. I actually hope no one reads it so they don't think that. ARGH. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! This is a journal and I can write whatever's on my mind and even if people were reading this, they can make whatever comments they want. I can take it.

Pain No More!

So, getting back to the question of whether or not Bikram poses are making a difference...they are. I've had a rest day today and will go back tomorrow but I'm not in the least bit hurting. My knees and IT band are fine. Is it the Bikram or the resting every few days? Maybe I'll never be sure if I continue to take Bikram classes. Right now, I'm enjoying the progress I'm making and I'm going to coast on that for a while.

Only Bikram?

This is a pre-class blogging. I don't have tons to say, I just felt like writing in my "journal". I should have gone to class at noon but of course, I slept until 10:30am and couldn't imagine not having my coffee until 1:30pm. 'Cause ya know, as a good yogi, you shouldn't drink coffee or eat until after class. Today I wanted my coffee much too much and decided to wait until the 5pm class.

My monthly pass is up on Friday. It's hard to believe I've already gone through two monthly passes. That means I'm actually doing my yoga on a regular basis. It's definitely a habit now. This past month I've been focusing on only doing the Bikram postures. There's a difference in my body compared to last month. Last month I was trying to not to discriminate between the two styles of classes offered at my studio so I went to both. I also was in the midst of doing a 30-day challenge and often times I found I had to go to "hot flow" class because that was the only class I could make it to. When I was going to both, my body was starting to feel pretty beat up. Remember? My hips were tight, my IT band was tight, I was just plain tight. When I wake up in the morning, I often sit up cross-legged and it was hurting a lot when I was in my 30-day challenge. Lately, it hasn't hurt. Since I've been only doing Bikram for a chunk of time now, my body hasn't reacted badly. My body actually feels loose yet strong. I would never have figured this out if I hadn't done both. The school of hard knocks worked in this case. Granted, I haven't been doing Bikram poses every day but by now I should feel a little tight in my knees having done yoga 2 days in a row and getting ready for a third. Anyways, I'll let ya know how class number 3 feels. Generally, if my body is in pain I won't be able to go into toe stand comfortably. That'll be my indicator.

Headache, Schmedache

Bikram/hot yoga is probably one of the most painful but most rewarding things to do when you have a headache. I literally was at migraine levels when I booted myself out of the house today and went to the studio. I wanted to vomit many times on my way there and when I was doing the pranayama breathing I was swallowing the bile down. I know, disgusting. However, I didn't push myself too hard and was rewarded with a clear head by the time I got in the shower. I found all of the backbends to be especially good for my head. To conquer one of my migraines is a huge deal for me. Usually it's the other way around and I'm found lying flat on my back in a dark room or praying to the porcelain god for relief. Today was a turning point for me. If I can just get myself to the studio, I know I'll be able to squeeze that headache right out. Now, I will follow all of this by saying that I did have one regular strength ibuprofen before I left the house. That may have helped a little bit but like I said, it was on the brink of full-blown migraine so I am pretty damn sure the yoga had the most to do with my recovery, 'cause ain't no way a little 200 IB would do the trick. So, in conclusion, to anyone who suffers headaches like I do, it's entirely possible to recover through hot yoga. Cue the Disney Aladdin music for "A Whole New World".

Focus, Focus, Focus

I had a good morning class today. I was definitely a little wonky. My equilibrium was off especially on my left side of standing head to knee. I completely fell out of it but managed to get both legs straight on both sides despite this wonkiness. I'm never all that flexible in the morning so I couldn't actually bring my head to my knee. But the other day, I did! I'm still so excited about that. It was a pose I thought I'd never, ever be able to do. It was so satisfying.

Another interesting factor in today's class was that there were only 3 of us, 1 of whom was brand new. You can always tell based on the clothing. She was wearing long yoga pants and a loose tank top. Me, on the other hand, I basically wear a two-piece bathing suit. The less the better! Anyways, the interesting factor was that each of our energies were a little off kilter and I think we all contributed to the imbalance in the room. If there had been strong practitioners in the room, I probably would have benefited from their strong energy, whereas today, I was the strongest practitioner and the other two were sorta relying on me. I can definitely be weak in my mind when it comes to focus. It's a skill I want to acquire and am certainly working towards but I'm a long way off. I know it will help my acting, especially at auditions where it's easy to get psyched out. The focus in a yoga studio is such that in order to improve, you must stay on yourself and never stray. It helps no one, especially me. I guess sometimes I feel like maybe the person next to me thinks I'm competing and I get weirded out when I go all out. I hate competition so I'd rather look bad in a pose rather than go all out. But, I know, it's not about what others think. It's about attaining a strong practice and a strong focus.

Bum Dee Bum

Alright, I'm a bum. I slept in today. I went to class last night. It was a good, strong class but I definitely had the sniffles. So, my justification for today's sleeping was yesterday's sniffles. I'm drinking my coffee at 12:56pm as I write this. I hope to make it to class tomorrow morning but I am going to Hamilton for one of my husband's shows tonight. Not that I'm going to tear it up or anything but he got home close to 2am last night because of said show so I'm assuming it's going to be another late night. I'm terrible at waking up. I LOVE sleeping. I think it may even be an addiction. I'm a champion sleeper. Today I slept until noon and I seriously could have kept sleeping.

Anyways, on a positive note, I am noticing that my body reacts very kindly to rest. When I come to class after a day or two off, I'm flexible and strong and my hips aren't as tight as they would be if I went every day, like in the challenge. I'm not saying I should be a slacker all the time but I certainly do better with rest days inserted; sometimes just one day, other times, two days off. The goal is to enjoy it and get better at it, right? Well, if I'm not wasting my money, then I think I'm doing it right.

On a completely different note, I think I have discovered (I say that like I'm Christopher Columbus) a really good skin product. Dr. Hauschka is a German skin company and all their ingredients are grown on their own farms and the products/ingredients are developed in their labs. All natural and really good for your skin. My skin seems pretty damn happy. I bought the samples and they feel great and fresh on my sensitive, blemish-y skin. I won't know until I get closer to finishing the products whether or not they actually clear my skin up and make it feel confident :) So far, so good, though.

Return of the Jedi

I'm back! I went yesterday and today and though I am sore and extremely tired, I am content. I thought it would be really hard going back yesterday but a friend of mine was there and that lifted my spirits a bit and distracted me. I had a really strong practice both days. I am no longer concerned about my teacher's opinions of my practice. I am just happy to be doing my body good.

I told myself to take it easy. That was the first thing I did right in coming back after 7 days of illness. Then when I felt like I could go further in my poses, I did and it felt awesome. My standing poses were pretty strong. My legs didn't lose strength like I thought they would. They're a little sore but nothing crazy. My hips were happy since I had been stretching them in weird ways but I know they need those stretches. I haven't done full toe stand on my left side yet. I'm not going to aggravate that IT band. It's so finicky. I'm tightening my bum as much as possible, especially on the floor during uphill poses and I'm still aware that my ab muscles are becoming more defined. The only thing I think I need to focus on the most or is the most important is stretching my lower back and extending it so my hips tilt forward. I'm just really tight or inflexible in my lower back (really curved) and my hips therefore have difficulty tilting forward. I think you get the idea. Slowly but surely, I'm starting to see this said tilt and I'm slowly starting to uncurve my lower back.

I can't shake the fatigue today though. I think that has something to do with not sleeping well at all last night. I got stuck in a bad dream cycle and couldn't get out of it. I took a nap but I'm still really tired. Tomorrow I rest.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya...

Okay. Today I'm FINALLY feeling like my old self. The pubescent boy seems to be slowly leaving my body and I am glad of it. My head is still clogged but my spirits are higher. They could be perhaps because the window in the living room is open and the fresh air is seeping in and leaving a deliciously fresh scent in the room. I also just lit a new sprig of my Nag Champa incense. Spring is sproinging. And oh yeah, the clocks moved ahead an hour. Luckily I didn't have to be up at any particular hour so I was cool with that. I'm looking forward to the light at the end of the day. However, today is somewhat overcast. I got out early (what would have been 11am but was actually 12pm) and got some groceries. I washed the dishes and set about my leisurely day.

I am reading St. Augustine's The Confessions for Lent. I am reading with a skeptical mind so that I'm not reading like my old self which succumbed to some inner Catholic guilt that would normally propel me into having to believe every single word written by a Catholic saint or else I would go to Hell. Instead, I want to come from a genuine place of belief. It's one thing to buy every word and spit it back out without giving a thought to it's meaning and it's quite another to understand and believe. If I don't believe some of his words, I'm not afraid to question them. The cool thing is that my question has usually been answered in some later passage. But if it's not, I'm okay with the questions remaining within me. I know God will answer them even if not for a very long time.

I've used this week as a means to listen to Augustine's words. It's been some serious down time for me which I think I needed. Mentally, I found myself able to focus on each task at hand because I was so foggy. I know that sounds weird. What I mean is that I was able to concentrate on the one thing I was doing and not on the million things that usually cloud my mind when I'm healthy. So, when reading Augustine, the words have sunk in. When watching the play yesterday, I was there 100%. When looking around in the furniture stores yesterday, I was looking at each piece as if I were in a museum. It's been a sort of tunnel vision. I have appreciated my week "off". It has been a much needed vacation.

Tomorrow, I am back with my yoga. It's calling my name pretty loud. I can't wait!

'Tis nobler...

Alright, so it's been 6 days and will be 7 days that I have officially missed. This is torture. But at least I know I'm craving to get back to the studio once I feel able. I have gone from feeling like I have the flu to having a super congested head to now having laryngitis.

I can't believe the laryngitis. I went to work last night since I missed one shift already and wasn't about to miss a Friday night money shift. I was fine despite being really congested and practically deaf from all the stuffiness but I was fine. By the end of the shift I started sounding like a prepubescent boy. I went to a play this afternoon and crawled around rainy Toronto beforehand, popping in and out of shops since I had no umbrella. I know, how stupid can a sick person get? I guess pretty stupid.

Today I sound like a boy in the full throws of puberty. I wonder if I am going to lose my voice altogether. I can feel it all in my chest; heavy and burning a little. I bought Nim Joim, the Chinese herbal cough syrup/expectorant. It's all natural and supposedly awesome. I had a cup of hot water mixed with this syrup and it tasted great! I'm going to have two or three more cups throughout the night and hope for the best.

But with this whole chest thing I realized I shouldn't go to yoga. I'm even bowing out of going to my friend's birthday party tonight so that I don't spread the germs to all the guests (all of whom are performers in some capacity and probably wouldn't appreciate getting laryngitis from me). Actually, I'm not sure if you can catch laryngitis but you can certainly catch the germs that cause it. Apparently, certain people are more prone to getting it than others. I am definitely one of those people. I would normally be pretty panicky about this sort of illness but I have no jobs booked for next week or the next as far as I know, so this should pass in a few days I hope. I will definitely make it back to class by Monday after resting all night tonight and tomorrow all day and night. I was of the mind that perhaps hot yoga would help to clear up the congestion but it wouldn't be fair to my fellow classmates to spread those germs so carelessly. It's much more noble to be thoughtful of your fellow human beings and the effect you may have on them rather than "suffering" out in the wide open for everyone to see. The result of the "suffering" is more suffering as your fellow human beings catch your cold and lose several days of work/play too. It's far more noble to tuck one's troubles into the safety of one's home and hide there until the coast is clear.

UGH! I am suffering though by not doing my yoga!

Man down!

I'm hanging in there. I can't believe I have to miss another day of yoga. My head is so full and my body feels so run down, I just need to sleep the day away. I'm not falling off this wagon though. I will be doing yoga for the rest of my life. This is a minor speedbump aimed at making sure I take life easy. It's not about getting to the finish line fast. It's about enjoying each moment as it arrives. Yoga is meant to help me create a greater and more beautiful union with God. How could I fall off that kind of wagon? It pretty much seems impossible.

*Cough, Cough, Sniffle, Sniffle*

Here I am, sick again. It sucks but what're ya gonna do? I haven't laid myself out for the rest of the day yet but I'm planning on it. I rested all day yesterday and today I hope to do the same. I had an audition this morning, got some groceries and am home for the rest of the day. It's just a head cold but I can tell my body is still really run down. I seriously thought about going to yoga yesterday to squeeze out the toxins but my husband would have none of it. He was right. I feel far better than I would have if I'd gone to yoga and work last night. It's tough to know deep down that my body will hurt when I go back to my practice but c'est la vie! It's a good lesson for this Lenten season. Tomorrow I have a callback for a commercial so I will sleep the day and night away and hopefully nail the callback. Then, perhaps, I will go to a class in the afternoon. We shall see. I also don't know if I want to put other people at risk by exposing them to my cold. But if Bikram yoga does what it is supposed to do, then everyone will simply repel my cold with all of the sweating and squeezing of toxins. Hmmm...something to ponder.

Sicky McSicky

Well, even though I was going to have my 1 day off today, I may just be having a few days off. I have a bloody bug of some kind, either cold or flu, can't tell at this early stage. I'm laying low and might even call in sick to work tonight. We'll see. Tomorrow I have an audition in the morning. Not that big of a deal but still, might need my beauty sleep. The biggest obstacle will be keeping my spirits up despite missing a few days of practice. I can't get discouraged as though I'll never do yoga again, which would have been my attitude in the past. I am really trying to make this Lent worthwhile and nurture my relationship with God. I know it is capable of being a relationship that I can turn to when I'm feeling like I'll never make it to a yoga class again. I know it sounds like a silly "despair" but it really has been a problem in the past where I have dropped activities because I feel like I'm no good at them or I simply fall off the fitness wagon and never get back on again.

Booze and Caffeine

Another good solid morning practice. I woke up an hour and a half before class, had 3 8oz. glasses of water and no food (as per my teacher's recommendation). I always feel amazing when I've had only water and no food. The only drawback is having to pee a million times before or once during class, like today. I ran out between standing and lying down poses. I managed to get back in time for a little bit of savasana. I stayed on the cooler side of the room. I still managed to sweat a decent amount but I wasn't pouring sweat.

As for my poses, my standing head to knee was solid once again. It even rendered a compliment from my teacher. Speaking of teacher compliments, I know I'm getting better at focusing when I can receive a compliment during the pose and not fall out of it anymore. It's a grain of salt now. After that, my bow pose, especially on my left side, was pretty awesome. It was about half as open as the photo below (that's a standing bow, if you didn't already know) which is great for me. I could see my ankle above my head instead of just my foot. That's how I know I'm progressing. I laid off on toe stand today. I thought I'd give my knees a break. They will probably thank me in the morning. On the floor, nothing spectacular changed except that my hips were tilting forward in sitting head to knee (finally!), according to my teacher, which meant I could start bending my arms and pulling forward. F*#%, that pose hurts a lot but it's one I have to do religiously.

I thought maybe I would give up coffee and alcohol when I started hot yoga. But I actually will get through my morning classes knowing my coffee will be my reward. As for alcohol, I find I'm enjoying beer instead of wine, probably because my muscles are craving it. I don't drink more than a glass or two when I go out and if I do have more than two, I'm completely cranky and hungover the next day. Weird. I guess I'm what you would call, "in shape." Again, weird.

Soap Box or Just Jealous?

I had a good class today. Solid. My standing head to knee was the strongest and easiest it's ever been. I was kinda shocked actually. But as long as I flex both thigh muscles, I'm set. I think for so long I was putting a lot of weight into my hands rather than flexing the lifted thigh. By doing so, you're not just using your arms to hold the leg up. It's little stuff like this that you only learn by doing regularly. Some days I'm just not in tune with certain poses or particular body parts and other days I am and that's when I learn.

I also battled with envy today. There's a couple of students who are excellent and I am envious. (NOTE: This is a random photo of an excellent student somewhere in North America being taught by Bikram, himself.) I had to work pretty hard in the beginning to set my focus on myself and no one else. Really, though, I just want to watch them and stand slack-jawed at their prowess. I find I have to put a pleasant smile on my face so that I stop looking so disappointed in myself. Someday, I will hold my poses just the same way. But I also realized that I have so many amazing opportunities and skills that they will never have. For instance, one of those students I overheard to be a financial analyst of some sort. God help that person. I thought, at least they have their yoga to bring them some sort of happiness because for me to be a financial whatchamacallit, I'd probably want to do a terrible wrong to myself. I know, that's very narrow-minded and egotistical of me to say that but really, what I mean, is at least they have a hobby that brings them spiritual fulfillment because, in my opinion, to work with money in big business is to walk a dangerous moral and ethical line. In fact, more people in big business should do yoga rather than beefing up at the gym. I'm standing on a soapbox right now, sure, but it's just my humble opinion that can be easily ignored.

To practice or not to practice...

This afternoon, I'm debating going to class at all. Not because I don't want to go but because I wonder if 2 days on and 1 day off is my best bet. I find I get frustrated some days with my lack of progress or lack of motivation and therefore don't work as hard. And if I take a day off every 2 days, then perhaps it'll leave me wanting more. I'd rather nurture the desire to get to my yoga classes than kill the passion by over doing it. I dunno. It's a hard call. I really want to go since I had such a great class yesterday. But what if I don't have a good class today (which is totally acceptable)? Will that really kill some of the passion or will it be a lesson? 5 days a week ain't a bad practice. I guess where this is all coming from is that I noticed during the 30-day challenge that I was pretty worn down with 7 days/week and almost as worn down with 6 days/week. So, if I wittle it down to 5 days/week, then perhaps I'm on to something. I suppose a solution to my angst-y-ness would be to do Yin poses on the days off in order to really get my hips opening up. Another thought for another time is that I need to get to a doctor. I have a bum left shoulder (dislocated it in a batting cage years ago) and my neck and back vertabrae are pretty effed. Like I said, that's for another blog entry.

Other Side of Town

I'm finding it hard not revealing myself freely as in a genuine journal. I'd like to say names and places, making it easier for me to remember people and places. I'll have to figure that one out.

I went to the other side of town today for a free class. They have a lovely waiting room with lots of yoga wear and products for sale. The change rooms were really nice too with Dr. Bronner's soap for showering. The room itself though has gone through a bit of rough and tumble with the heat, I'm assuming. It's a very old building, for starters and this room is under intense heat for most of it's "life". So, basically, what I'm saying, is that I understand the circumstances. But really, it's kinda shoddy looking with brown goo drops dried on the ceiling and around the floor boards. The windows have crappy plastic seal across them, falling away at the various corners. Don't get me wrong, through, I love the draft that was creeping through :)

The teacher was good and solid. She talked really fast and was pretty intense. She held some poses longer than other teachers but vice versa when I'm with those other teachers. One pose in particular that killed me was awkward pose. I KNOW she held it longer. Getting back to the intensity...I realized that I can handle that way of teaching now that I have a pretty solid base to build on. When I was first starting and had a teacher like that, I was ready to crumple under the pressure. But I realize that only I put the pressure on and if I don't want to or can't push myself further into a pose, then I don't have to, damn it!

The teacher said I had a good practice after class. That was nice of her to say. I certainly appreciated it as I go through my ups and downs with this style of yoga. Physically speaking, because of the side lighting from the windows at this studio, I'm actually noticing the muscles that have appeared in the last month or so. My upper body is really getting broad and muscular and my legs, while I'm reluctant to embrace this aspect, are getting stronger and therefore, bigger. Eek! Bigger! Never! I say that in jest. I'd rather be strong and healthy than weak and skinny. If my thighs get too big then maybe I'll figure something out but I'm thinking that if I stick with this practice, I'll eventually even out. Really, I think I've just got muscle forming under the "skinny fat" that I've had and that skinny fat will vacate the building soon enough. My biggest goal, though, if you call this vanity a goal, is to put some muscle in my flabby butt. Yes, I said flabby. I'm skinny (110 lbs - though hopefully heavier since starting my practice) but the muscle seems to be hiding beneath this flabby layer of fat. Granted, I accept that at my age, things start to sag a bit but seriously, this kind of yoga should firm it all up nicely. So, now when I am doing poses that require me bum muscles, I'm tightening them as hard as a rock. I'll get back to ya on this fascinating topic.

Made it!

I made it to a Bikram class. I survived and am pretty sore today. Instead of feeling like 2 days away, it felt like 2 weeks away. However, my body was limber and I was more open to pushing myself. I think when I was going every day, I needed some days that were relaxed but instead I pushed myself to somewhere right in the middle, not too hard, not too soft. I'm not sure which is better to do; have an easy day here, and a hard day there? Or simply have a medium sized workout every time?

Anyways, I'm glad I made it. It was a close one there. Today I'm heading over to the studio on the other side of town because I have a free pass. I've heard mixed reviews about it but it's free and I'm willing to try anything. Plus, it's the only noon class in town and I have to go to work at 5pm.