Friday, April 24, 2009

Courage

I had a great practice yesterday despite the niggling feeling leftover from the insult. I offered up my practice for Lorette's unkind words and was able to let it all go. I actually couldn't believe I'd let it all go. I was really concerned that I was going to feel heavy and unable to complete the sequence. I took it one pose at a time and soldiered on quite admirably. It was difficult but I was fully engaged and not thinking about my bad feelings.

I have to admit though it's not hard to see, I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have made some good resolutions though. I forgot that I had taken some photos of my body in December in order to have them as a comparison to my (hopefully) improved, muscular body. I took some "after" shots last night, compared them and realized that I haven't changed a gall darn bit! Rather than being disappointed by the lack of results, I was overjoyed. It meant that I was right. I haven't gotten skinnier. However, when I ruminated over that, I was sickened by the fact that this woman had out and out insulted me -- and she's a medical doctor! She hadn't noticed my body getting skinnier, she just wanted to put me down. It's funny how things work. I thought I was taking photos of my body in December to watch it's progress but I was taking photos for when this day would come when I would have to defend myself.

Now, I must let it all go. When I see Lorette, like I've already said, I will tell her I don't feel comfortable discussing my body with her. I will perhaps add to it that I had taken photos in December and photos now and I haven't changed at all. However, it will probably make her feel more stupid if I simply say, "You made me feel very uncomfortable when you insulted my body the other day and I would prefer it if you didn't talk about my body, in general. Thank you." Will I have the courage? I don't know. I hope so.

No comments:

Post a Comment