I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I am starting to seriously slack off in the yoga department. I'm thinking, since I can't make it tonight or actually, don't want to (will explain) then I may attempt to do it tonight here in the apartment. The reason I don't want to make it to class is because it is at 8:30pm. Tomorrow morning, I want to attend a 9am class since I have to work at 5pm. I need to start packing in my yoga every day. My excuse today was needing to pay my income tax/GST after going to my accountant first. However, I did spend most of the afternoon farting around town. While that was pleasant, I really should have gotten home in time to turn around for a 4:30pm class. Oh well. I won't beat myself up. I've started loading myself up with water and a little Goji Bliss for energy. Then I plan on mopping the floors, doing some yoga and hopefully getting to bed early. I will make the 9am class. I will.

Toughen Up

I bailed today. It was too good a sleep to get up for an 11am class and it was too gorgeous a day to go to the 2:30pm class. Eric and I wanted to spend time together instead. We teamed up with some friends and went to lunch in our neighbourhood. It was really nice to do that instead of just going to a Moksha yoga class at 2:30pm. I've become so attached to Bikram that I wasn't very inclined to just "make it" to class. If I couldn't make Bikram, I kinda knew I wasn't going to make it to any other kind of class. Tomorrow I shall go.

I can see how it's going to be hard on the weekends in the summertime though to make it to yoga. I like to sleep in but my most ideal times to go on the weekend would be 9am. That way I have the rest of my day to enjoy and I probably would feel fantastic if I started my day with yoga. However, I like to drink alcohol and often times I'm inclined to sleep my arse off after a couple beers and not get up in time for a morning class. Somehow, if I'm not going to give up my beers, then I have to get tougher and wake up in time for class.

Courage

I had a great practice yesterday despite the niggling feeling leftover from the insult. I offered up my practice for Lorette's unkind words and was able to let it all go. I actually couldn't believe I'd let it all go. I was really concerned that I was going to feel heavy and unable to complete the sequence. I took it one pose at a time and soldiered on quite admirably. It was difficult but I was fully engaged and not thinking about my bad feelings.

I have to admit though it's not hard to see, I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have made some good resolutions though. I forgot that I had taken some photos of my body in December in order to have them as a comparison to my (hopefully) improved, muscular body. I took some "after" shots last night, compared them and realized that I haven't changed a gall darn bit! Rather than being disappointed by the lack of results, I was overjoyed. It meant that I was right. I haven't gotten skinnier. However, when I ruminated over that, I was sickened by the fact that this woman had out and out insulted me -- and she's a medical doctor! She hadn't noticed my body getting skinnier, she just wanted to put me down. It's funny how things work. I thought I was taking photos of my body in December to watch it's progress but I was taking photos for when this day would come when I would have to defend myself.

Now, I must let it all go. When I see Lorette, like I've already said, I will tell her I don't feel comfortable discussing my body with her. I will perhaps add to it that I had taken photos in December and photos now and I haven't changed at all. However, it will probably make her feel more stupid if I simply say, "You made me feel very uncomfortable when you insulted my body the other day and I would prefer it if you didn't talk about my body, in general. Thank you." Will I have the courage? I don't know. I hope so.

Stalling

I'm reading all about teacher training right now. I am stalling from doing my taxes. My hubby is on a business trip and I've got nothing to do except receipts and then yoga tonight.

I'm still really perturbed about yesterday's insult. I started reading about teacher training because I initially started looking into a healthy yoga diet. Frankly, I feel and think I look healthy but I would prefer if my body type didn't provoke old, jealous women to make comments about being too skinny. So, I would like, if only for that reason, to develop a diet that is not only healthy but maybe makes me look so healthy I'll shut those bee-atches up.

What really perturbs me is that this woman doesn't know what I have looked like for the past 30 years. If she did, she wouldn't make such snide comments. Argh. I want to give her a piece of my mind but I know it goes against my nature and would only stir up bad energy. Her own karma will get the best of her. God knows what her intentions were and if they weren't good, then God can pass judgment. If I encounter her again, I will simply ask her to keep her opinions to herself. I will tell her I felt very uncomfortable because of her comments and that I would like to stop talking about my body with her. Plain and simple.

I am looking forward to class tonight! To quote Mother Teresa, "If people are unkind, be kind anyways."

My First Yoga Insult

Bizarre day for me today. Not only did Aunt Flo come for a visit, which was painful enough but I received a bizarre insult from one of the students at the studio I go to. Before class started, I noticed the woman who gave the insult (Lorette) plunk her mat down almost in front of me so that I had to move my mat before we started doing half moon. I don't make eye contact with a soul usually so I didn't make a big deal of it, I just moved. Then throughout the class I got a vibe that wasn't great coming from her direction, whether it was disappointment in her stiffness or competition with those around her, I don't know, it just didn't feel right. Well, I got in the shower after class and Lorette's there. Again, I don't make eye contact -- especially there. I just want to get 'er done and get out, ya know what I'm sayin?. Well, she started talking to me. First thing out of her mouth was that I'm too skinny. Like, what?! How about, "That was a nice class, eh?" Nope. Then I found myself on the defensive with this woman I hardly know, except that she's a doctor, she plays a lot of tennis and she's got a foreign accent; three things that make it difficult to understand where she was coming from. Was she coming from a doctor's perspective of concern, was she feeling competitive because of the tennis or was she from a country that frowns on thin women? Perhaps all three put together. I dunno. It was weird since we were both naked and I at one point had turned my shower off to get the f%&* outta there and she kept talking to me. She proceeded to say that her daughter had lost weight and she told her to get on a scale and check. This was her "subtle" way of telling me to get on a scale. However, I knew she had a different agenda and wasn't really listening to me since I had just said that I had stepped on a scale a couple weeks ago and I was the same weight I've always been. She wasn't listening and she didn't care. That's when I knew that she was just insulting me and making me feel uncomfortable. I think I was validated when my husband told me that he would never say that to someone, period. In restrospect, what I could have said (per advice from my ever-lovin' hubby) was "I don't feel comfortable having this discussion right now." That would have put her in her place and I wouldn't have been in the awkward position (no pun intended) of defending myself. Again, weird. I hope I never have to encounter a situation like that again.

As for class, it was lovely and not too hot. Just right considering I was feeling less than my best. I was pretty strong though, considering. I did standing head to knee with hardly any effort and I even managed to almost get my head to touch my knee on my right side. I think when I tell myself that I don't have to push very hard, I still put in a tremendous amount of effort and come out feeling like I did hardly any work. It's great. I wish I could use that mindset for every class but I know that's not fair to me and to the rest of the class. It was nice for today though!

Rest Day 2

I really should be doing my taxes, or actually organizing my receipts so my accountant can do my taxes. But I'm stalling. It's way more fun to write my blog. I am resting today. I could have gotten up early and gone to yoga. I actually did wake up without an alarm around 7:45am, thought, "Neat, I didn't even need to set an alarm and my body knew what time to get up." Then I proceeded to fall back asleep. It's a rainy day and my eyelids were heavy. Can ya blame me?

So, the question remains, "Is this really a 30-day challenge if I am taking a day off every 2 days?"

In response, I say yes! I know my body now. It needs one day to recuperate every couple of days. A 30-day challenge isn't the same for everyone. I don't need to share that on the forum since some people like to say things like, "I don't need a rest day, I felt great during my 30-day challenge." It's my version of a challenge. Someday maybe I will be strong enough to skip the day off but for now, it's good for me and it's good for my psyche.

I should maybe come up with a meditation plan and/or yin yoga plan for my days off. That would make it productive and would help to keep my mind on my yoga and the spiritual side of things. I am teetering right now after having just watched Religulous, the documentary about organized religion by Bill Maher. I'm not a fan of him to begin with, but he made some interesting points. I like to know all aspects so that I'm educated in all ways of thought and belief. Anyways, my spirituality was challenged since Mr. Maher pushed the whole athiest/agnostic bent. I've never really understood it but they seem to come from a place of, "Prove God or else don't make me believe in one." I understand that, but I felt challenged when Mr. Maher said people have made up an imaginary friend to talk to who believes in them and makes them feel good about themselves. Is that true? I don't know. I don't think so but he made a strong case for "I don't know." What I do know is that I have felt something that is not just myself or my mind at work. Actually, I don't know but I have felt something that seemed otherworldly/God-like/etc. He's certainly challenged my faith.

What is faith and is God real? Perhaps that's my meditation for the day. Hmmm...

Day 3-4

I'm sore. In a good way. I just went 2 days in a row and feel really good. No bad pain, i.e. my knees. I've been strong even when I had 2 beers last night and a whole lotta chips. I woke up this morning, drank a little water and had a good strong class. I definitely prefer practicing directly in front of the mirror. It helps my concentration tremendously and keeps any thoughts about the people around me out of my head. I just zero in on eye contact with myself and I'm generally able to concentrate. Plus, I hate half locust and this way I don't have to see myself in the mirror. If I'm in the second row then I usually see my foot straining to stay in the air. I hate that. I just want to feel it, not see it. It's probably my most pathetic pose, that's why.

My one grudge is that I wish I could get my arse out of bed and go to morning classes all the time. My body feels great for the rest of the day and I'm usually more motivated afterwards. However, getting up and getting there is always a bitch. My teacher made an interesting suggestion. I should make my cup of coffee before class, enjoy the smell and drink it. The catch? Instead of swallowing...spit. Heh, heh. So, I'm going to try it the next time I have a morning class. I was planning on skipping class tomorrow but if I feel inspired, the only class I can make it to is at 9am. Therefore, I can try this little experiment tomorrow. We'll just see about that. I can guarantee I'll have a proper cup afterwards.

Rest Day

It was a good day for a rest. I gave her yesterday and I am sore today. I wish I could give like that every day. I suppose I could considering I had a headache yesterday. That's probably the worst condition for me, like I complained about in the Day 2 entry. Tomorrow I will go to an 11am class, I think. The only other option is 6pm but I've discovered that the later in the day I go, the more flighty my breath is. By flighty I mean that it's more shallow either from caffeine in my body or just that my stress level is more heightened by that time of day. Not sure which but I know that the pranayama is difficult by the second round. And as an update, my knees are doing okay. There was a little pain this morning in my left knee but I had felt that yesterday during class so I didn't push myself in toe stand on the left side.

Day 2

Whew! Day 2 is done. I'm still good at it. Go figure. I just hate getting back in the swing o' things. I've had a headache for 2 days as well, not from yoga but from something in the air or a cold or barometric pressure. Obviously, I'm not sure which but I am unfortunately succumbing to the Advil. I hate giving in but headaches generally make me nauseous so I gotta get rid of them as soon as I can. Believe it or not, I've never been able to get rid of a headache without the aid of drugs. I wish I could but I can't. I'm always amazed at people who can.

Anyways, I am happy to be back. I revealed my secret 30-day challenge to my teacher today during class. She mentioned that I come a couple days a week so I blurted out that I had just started my 30-day challenge. She was like, "Ohhh." But it was fun today because my skills were utilized to help instruct two newbies. She asked me and another girl who was well-versed in Bikram to lead the class with her verbal instruction. I've done it before, however unknowingly, because sometimes you can sense new people watching your every move. The beautiful thing about yoga is that you don't have to be "good" at it, you just need to know the routine and by knowing the routine and the proper alignment, new students can follow along.

My form is nice and strong these days. My least favorite, by far, is triangle pose and locust. Triangle is just taxing and difficult for everyone, I'm pretty sure. For me, I have a hard time getting my lunge far down. My hips aren't very open going sideways and my legs are weak. However, to give myself some credit, my thighs are definitely stronger than they've ever been. I have definition in my thighs that I never had a couple of months ago. Nice striations in and between the muscles when I go into my lunge. My bum is still flabby but I know it won't be like that forever. I just gotta keep working. Locust will certainly help that "problem" but I loathe it. I do try to utilize my bum muscles as much as I can though.

So 2 days down. Tomorrow would require me to be there at 9am. Not too sure about that one. Wish me luck!

Getting Prepped

I'm excited to begin. That's why I'm writing before my class and not just after. I am going to take it easy in this first class back after a whole week of chowing on candy, junk food and alcohol. I am going to do another 30-day challenge and I am going to succeed!

If I had a creed, it would include the promise that I will not beat myself up if I miss a day. I was much too hard on myself the last time. The one reason I may not make a handful of days is if there are no Bikram classes at the time I can make it. My studio offers a different style hot class throughout the week but it's not my thing.

My focus this time around will be strictly Bikram. If I was right in my assessment from the last 30-day challenge, the combination of the two was too stressful for my knees. I am eager to see my progress with a strictly Bikram routine. If I see no difference, then I know that it's because yoga 7x a week is too much for me. If my knees are okay, then I'll know that Bikram is good for me.

Ugh.

I thought today would be the day I go back. It's not. I have to work an emergency shift at my restaurant. One of the employees is in the hospital so I'm going in. I never, ever cover shifts anymore because I frankly don't really care about the job anymore. I've had my fill of it but I do like my employers and they're very good to me so it's about time I paid them back a bit.

This past weekend was a weekend of excess for me. I ate too much candy and drank too much alcohol. I'm actually nervous to go back to yoga because of how bad it might feel. I'm completely and utterly dehydrated and I'm not inclined towards waking up early and I'm certainly not inclined towards waiting for my coffee until after the class. That's got to be the worst part of doing yoga on a regular basis, missing my coffee first thing. I wish I didn't see it as torture. I've got a lot to change about myself. It was starting to become a very good habit and suppose it still is in that I am motivated to go back save for a few fears.

I need to regulate my sleep schedule. That is the most important thing for me. I wake up feeling so disappointed in myself when I look at the clock and it says 11am. However, I can't fall asleep until at least 2:30am. So, in reality, I'm only getting a regular night's sleep of 8 hours. I also need to have a regular eating schedule. I'm the worst eater in the world. Actually, I'm one of the most disorganized and unmotivated people I know. I have nothing but my career to live for and my schedule is dictated by no obligations and no self-discipline. It's frustrating. I don't like routines very much, as you can tell, and I don't like living by other people's schedules but this is getting out of hand. I'm a bit dramatic, sure. It's only been a week since my last yoga class. But I think more than anything, I need to get my life organized not just my yoga practice.

Guilt

I will be "starting over" on Tuesday. Such is life. I'm extremely disappointed in myself but also quite ecstatic to not have anything physical to do. So, am I really disappointed or is it just Guilt? It's a bit of both. This often happens to me when I get this far into an activity or hobby or even, say, my career. I'm noticing this as a pattern. I remember many a time in my early days as an actor when I was thoroughly disgusted with the profession and the people involved in it. I think the same is happening for hot yoga. I am so uninterested in the people that do hot yoga because of either their over-eager enthusiasm or their apparent and very obvious "pain." Needless to say, it's something I need to get over because I really do enjoy this yoga. I have a hard time keeping the focus on myself right now. I'm obviously much too distracted and annoyed with all the people around me. With time, I hope to tune all these folks out and/or accept them for who they are and the reasons they do yoga.

Help!

Ack! Help! I can't seem to get my arse out of bed in the morning and off to yoga. It's getting dire right now. I have gone to 1 class this week. 1! I was supposed to be at class yesterday but I missed it by mere minutes and I hate being late and rushed so I didn't rush and I didn't want to show up late even if my teacher would let me in.

I gotta get back on track but I'm not sure how to get my motivation. I find yogis in the Bikram lineage to be a tad annoying so the forum isn't really a source of inspiration for me (http://www.hotyogadoctor.com/index.php/site/forum/). The health benefits and the look my body has taken on should be inspiration enough. But it ain't.

I will get myself to an 11am class tomorrow. I know I just simply need to get myself there in order to not feel so defeated. Plus, I have paid for a monthly pass and I have to make it worth the money. I have been stressed and excited by my acting prospects that I haven't been able to focus. Also, I have been going to bed super late (because I can't fall asleep) and waking up equally late, i.e. noon. That kills an entire day. But if I can't make myself fall asleep, then I don't know how to remedy this. I think I need to put myself to bed at a ridiculously early hour, like 9:30pm, take some melatonin and try each evening to get myself to sleep earlier and earlier. When I book my series, I will have tons of 5am mornings and at the rate I'm going, that will be hell on earth for me. Yoga is always best first thing in the morning anyways.

I find I lose my spiritual connection swiftly when my acting prospects start looking up. I become super worldly and completely forget my desire and need for spiritual connection. That should be inspiration enough, especially this Easter weekend.

Happy Easter!

New York, New York

I'm getting used to not practicing for 3 days straight. I haven't been since Friday. My husband and I ventured to New York for the weekend and arrived back home late Sunday night. We went on a Thursday and somehow, I managed to make it to a class on Friday.

It was intense. I went to the Bikram studio on the Lower East Side; the pink one. The vibe I get from new Bikram studios and new Bikram teachers, no matter where in the world, is so intense it's almost not healthy. It doesn't feel like "yoga". There's nothing peaceful about it. They just spew out the same, by-the-book dialogue that they're taught at Teacher Training. It's also what I would imagine boot camp to feel like. There's no room for the mental pain factor because frankly, in my opinion, that's the only real pain that exists. It hurts physically but once the heat starts to permeate your brain, it's all over. This studio was packed to the rafters and I, being from out of town and not sure of where to go and how long it will take, arrived just in time which meant I had the worst spot in the room. I was RIGHT next to heaters, both to my side and behind me. The room was stacked 3 rows deep so that I, being in the 3rd row, could barely see myself in the mirror. Then, to make it wonderfully worse, after a rainy, rainy afternoon, the sun came blasting through the windows during the floor series. Where was I, aside from being next to 2 heaters? You got it, right next to the windows. The sun shown just when I was mentally about to crack. It was such a HOT room even without the sun. Luckily I had a hair band that I put to good use. I covered my eyes like I was some Zen yogi practicing with a blindfold. I KNOW I looked like a kook but I was so cranky with this teacher that I wanted to piss him off by doing something "different". The reason I was so cranky was because he had drawn the curtain for one half of the room when the sun started shining but not for my half. I was so fragile and pissed at that point, that I swore to myself that he was doing it on purpose. And the reason I thought he was doing it on purpose? He kept insisting that we all stay together and I know I was occasionally and accidentally going ahead of his robot dialogue. This was probably so far from the truth but like I said, I was fragile and took everything personally. There were at least 50 people in the room so obviously there was no friggin' way he was "getting revenge" on me :)

Anyways, I am eager to get to my regular studio today. It's peaceful there and I can focus and concentrate. My teacher is the most senior Bikram teacher in Canada so he's achieved a Zen that new Bikram teachers aren't even close to finding. I think most young/new Bikram teachers treat this yoga as a "workout" and not as a means to meditation and inner peace. I will forgive them. They are yoga babies and hopefully by the time they reach the age of 90, they will be Zen masters and gentle yogis rather than automatons who worship this man, Bikram.