RIP Nodar Kumaritashvili

I am so damn lazy today. I have on the Olympic pre-schtuff and some lentils and rice on the stove. I've got the USA Yoga Cup on live feed too. But I can't seem to motivate my ass to get to class. I will go to either the 6pm or the 8pm but not my usual 4pm. I have been a bit defeated each class because when I get to awkward pose, I am weak in my thigh muscles, particularly my quads. Why is that? Is it the skin medication I'm on? Is it because I sit around on my arse all day? Is it because I get too much sleep? Do I not drink enough water? What's the deal? Or could it be because I've been going to yoga for about 16 days in row (with one day off)? I dunno. I won't give up, that is for certain. I am quite enjoying myself and always feel amazing after class.

The most difficult part of my class is the decision to drink water or not to drink water. It's only 90 minutes. We are encouraged not to drink water. The difference I have noticed when I do drink water is that I get out of breath rather quickly and mess up my rhythm. Drinking water brings a temporary relief but usually disrupts the flow.

At this paragraph, it has been released that a luge competitor at the Olympics died tragically while training. It reminds me that life is precious but that one should never live in fear. This athlete died heroically, doing what most other people would never dare to do. Rest in Peace, Nodar Kumaritashvili.

Day 5

I'm heading into Day 5. To survive this journey, I'm pretty sure at this point that I have to stop seeing a finish line. I won't make it to the end...or I will make it to the end but I will have an awful journey if I keep waiting for the end. I realize I have to truly embrace the process of growth. Some classes will be awesome but a lot of them will feel difficult. I, at the very least, feel better physically than I did when I did my first 30-day challenge. It's also a bit effortless in that I am accountable to a whole studio seeing my stickers up on the board. If there are empty spots, that's embarrassing. When I did my solo 30-day, it was much tougher because I was accountable to really, only me. I told my teachers I was embarking on this challenge but I had a feeling they didn't believe in me all that much. Their care for my practice was hardly, if at all, there. In other words, if I wasn't feeling up to the challenge, I was only accountable to myself and very often I was so "kind" that I tried to convince my body it deserved a good sleep-in. I made it through but it was psychologically tougher. In this case I can turn my mind-chatter off because I KNOW I have to get to class.

Today, I go with no expectations even though I keep hoping, in the back of my head, that the next class will feel great. To no avail. It must be said, however, that after every class, I always feel amazing. If that's all I get through this whole process, then I'd say that's fantastic.

Day 1

I began again today. Today was Day 1 for a 30-day challenge at my studio. I am publicly accountable now to get my ass to yoga class every day for the next 29 days. Woot! I get my own little space on the board and I can put up my very own stickers. It's the little things in life.

Before class I ate a veggie hamburger 1-hour prior. It's not the best idea in the world. I always try to eat 2-hours beforehand at least. That way I don't feel the effects of the residual food in my stomach but I get some nutrition that sustains me for 90-minutes. If I eat any earlier I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be enough for me. Breakfast is the toughest meal for me to get down. I've never enjoyed breakfast. I have absolutely no appetite in the morning. My mother doesn't either so I'm of the opinion that it's genetic. I can drink tea and any other liquids in the morning but solids don't make my tummy happy. If I can get into a good breakfast habit, then perhaps my meals hold me for longer in the day.

An interesting thing that happened to me today, as well, was going to the dermatologist. I have had a bad bout with pimples for a long while now. As it turns out, I have acne. An adult form of acne that is the result of lowered estrogen (aging) and regular androgen (male hormone). Since the androgen hasn't lowered either, the result is deep-rooted acne. I just read an article about a woman who did a 60-day challenge in Bikram and by the end, when they did a body scan, she had early onset menopause at age 42. I wonder if lowered estrogen has any link to Bikram yoga. She never alluded to that in the article but her doctor pointed more to her obesity as the main factor.

It's just something to ponder...

Begin Again

I'm sad today but I forgive. I have to remind myself to forgive, forgive, forgive. My husband took the car today when I specifically told him I wanted it for yoga. I said he could have it tonight when he was going to be out late but I said I wanted the car for class. Now, my 30-day challenge must begin again. I'm not discouraged entirely. I feel good and glad that I made it to 5 classes in a row this week. That alone is a wonderful accomplishment. I also wonder that God didn't have a hand in grounding me here at home. What I keep resisting and yet longing for is revenge, i.e. ask for the car tonight because of what he did to me today. However, I know he needs the car and I don't need it as much. Plus, I'm pretty sure he just didn't listen to me and therefore it's not his fault entirely despite the not listening part.

Breathe.

I made it to Day 5 and it was great. I'm getting tested newly every day. Today, it was my patience. I picked the third row before it got crowded in the room. Unfortunately, for poor little me, it got insanely crowded and I was blocked by two people and could hardly see myself in the mirror. It turned out to be a great class though. I was limber and while still a little weak in the thighs I made it strongly through each pose. I have reached a place in my practice thus far where I can turn off my brain and just focus on the work and how wonderful my body feels. When I get panicky, I breathe. That's the best advice I could ever pass along. BREATHE. And it must be with the mouth closed or else, as the teachers say, it will fire up the fight or flight instinct once the mouth opens and the breathing happens from there. BREATHE. I can't wait for tomorrow's class. I have to get on the hydration thing or else I will regret tomorrow's class however.

My (sort of) 30-Day Challenge

I'm back at it. It's Day 4 of a self-imposed 30-day challenge. At my studio, all these students are completing the school's 30-day challenge as of Sunday. I simply have a lot of time on my hands right now and a 30-day challenge seems plausible. I've done it before. It's not that difficult. It has it's ups and downs but it will get easier and that is what I anticipate. It would be nice to participate with a support group and have stickers to put up for every day that I make it. But maybe I'll make my own here at home! I can congratulate myself in the comfort of my own home.

The idea here is that by not putting too much pressure on myself to complete 30 consecutive days/classes, perhaps I'll even venture into a 60 or even 90 day challenge. Who knows? If I've got the time, I'm going to certainly do my best to get my butt to class every day until I just can't, i.e. my European adventure in May! The point is to go to yoga frequently/as much as possible and I couldn't agree more.

So...I'll keep you posted how it goes!

Trial

It's been a tough week for me. I opened a play this week that got panned in the major newspaper here in town and will therefore, as was indicated last night, mean no audience.

I take comfort that if it weren't for my God and my yoga, I would be a wreck right now. I'm pretty sad that the reviewer was downright mean to our production and us but I forgive him. Destructive people, I'm pretty sure, don't know how destructive they are or else I'd like to think that they wouldn't do it. Or maybe this reviewer gets off on crushing young companies and actors. One of my friends was humiliated by the same reviewer when she made her Toronto debut. Her debut! He could have ruined her career/self-esteem if she hadn't been so tough. I hope I can learn from her and carry on as thick-skinned as she did. I, afterall, was making my Toronto debut as well.

I went to yoga on Monday and reveled in my inner strength (as well as outer) when so many, many people in the class were dropping like flies onto their mats from the heat and whatever else was plaguing their minds. That was the day before my opening night. Now, post-bad review, I am going to class today. I am managing to put the review (and, really, the show) behind me and to focus on yoga and prayer. This bad review has made me really evaluate my desire to keep acting. If it weren't for the upcoming TV show, which I feel tremendous about, I think I might find another career. However, Shakespeare's words have flowed trippingly off my tongue and that, alone, I have enjoyed immensely. I have found mantra and flow within the words. I was terrified of forgetting my lines back before I began this journey. I now have them so well memorized that I can savour each word and play with each one so that they have become my own. That is a treasure I can take away from this experience. Now add that to my God and my yoga and I am a content human being. Not happy...but content.