Trial

It's been a tough week for me. I opened a play this week that got panned in the major newspaper here in town and will therefore, as was indicated last night, mean no audience.

I take comfort that if it weren't for my God and my yoga, I would be a wreck right now. I'm pretty sad that the reviewer was downright mean to our production and us but I forgive him. Destructive people, I'm pretty sure, don't know how destructive they are or else I'd like to think that they wouldn't do it. Or maybe this reviewer gets off on crushing young companies and actors. One of my friends was humiliated by the same reviewer when she made her Toronto debut. Her debut! He could have ruined her career/self-esteem if she hadn't been so tough. I hope I can learn from her and carry on as thick-skinned as she did. I, afterall, was making my Toronto debut as well.

I went to yoga on Monday and reveled in my inner strength (as well as outer) when so many, many people in the class were dropping like flies onto their mats from the heat and whatever else was plaguing their minds. That was the day before my opening night. Now, post-bad review, I am going to class today. I am managing to put the review (and, really, the show) behind me and to focus on yoga and prayer. This bad review has made me really evaluate my desire to keep acting. If it weren't for the upcoming TV show, which I feel tremendous about, I think I might find another career. However, Shakespeare's words have flowed trippingly off my tongue and that, alone, I have enjoyed immensely. I have found mantra and flow within the words. I was terrified of forgetting my lines back before I began this journey. I now have them so well memorized that I can savour each word and play with each one so that they have become my own. That is a treasure I can take away from this experience. Now add that to my God and my yoga and I am a content human being. Not happy...but content.

God, Angels and Elementals

I made it back to 3 classes since not having practiced in close to 3 months. It felt really good to be back. I've lost most of my hard-earned flexibility which was a bummer and I felt a little bit weaker in the muscles but by 3rd class, my flexibility was coming back as was my confidence in my muscles. I have a feeling my muscle memory is taking over and my body will be back to "normal" in no time. One thing that has changed for the positive is my connectedness to the Universe, so to speak. In my time off, despite long days on set, I was fortunate to be extremely aware of God, the angels and various other beings/elementals. This awareness allowed me to bring them into my practice. And, in fact, this mindfulness made my practice that much more "present moment". I look forward to many more classes!

Internal Yoga

I haven't been to yoga class in over 3 weeks. It's hurting my soul fer sure. I have begun shooting my series and I seem to break out in the initial stages of returning to hot yoga. So for the next 7-8 weeks I will be refraining from class. However, I need to do stretches and/or exercise of some kind. My body is starting to tense up and be tighter than a drum. Thankfully I get acupuncture every week or two. Along with that comes energy clearing, crystal healing, chakra clearing, etc. That helps.

I find I'm still on my path, my journey still. I don't feel so bad as I have in the past from all this sitting around. I suppose it's because I have steady income and a fun job so I am satisfied in many ways that I normally wasn't in the past. Yoga is still with me but in a different way at the moment.

Pimples.

I'm at odds. To do Bikram, in my case, means having a bad case of pimples when I haven't done it for a while and then takes a few weeks to go down once I get a regular practice going. Now that my series is starting shooting, I've had a bad case of the pimpl-ees and I'm not very inclined towards doing Bikram until the series is done. That sucks. For having a year pass, that really sucks because I'm basically blowing two months.

However, once I'm done with the series, I plan on jumping in full force and getting a regular practice going.

Mindfulness

I had a difficult class yesterday. However, I'm always proud of myself for making it through to the end. I always do, even if I have to sit a pose out or drink a little more water than usual. I made it and I can be proud of that. I was especially dehydrated yesterday and hadn't really eaten properly so naturally it was difficult.

I am noticing more and more that my legs are taking the Bikram shape. I love it! Though I am going on vacation for a week, I will continue to pull up on my knee caps, tighten my glutes and push my hips forward to keep my muscles in shape there. I love strong, Bikram legs. They're beautiful and they look like you couldn't shake them if you tried. My upper body is also nice and lean, especially my shoulders. The one thing I think lacks in Bikram practitioners is a shapely upper body and abs. It's a matter of tightening those muscles just like we do when constantly pull up on our knee caps. I think Bikram practitioners are so mindful of the thighs that they forget to constantly be flexing the abs. I will, from now on, be mindful of my abs. I have started to already and have noticed a difference.

Keepin' Up

I had a great class yesterday. I want to go to another class today but I have my niece here and I have a nagging feeling that it's rude to leave her by herself with nothing to do. Yesterday's class had a fantastic teacher. She really is encouraging and pushes us to go to our limits. I certainly pushed myself. I aspire to her physique though I know I have a completely different build than her. However, I hope to have a mini version of her body. It's getting there. I also find that classes are spiritually fulfilling with such a vast classroom and change room. There's something about the aesthetics there that make it peaceful and "spa-like" as another student said. My head clears when I'm there. I also like it when I get into a steady rythym and go frequently. Tomorrow, I'll go.

On Again, Off Again

I have gone back after a week and a half and of course, it hurt. I got a low-grade, probably detoxifying, headache last night. I tried to withstand it but buckled and took a regular ibuprofen before going to sleep. I then slept 11 hours. I couldn't believe it! I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 9:30am. I must have needed it.

Yesterday's class was awesome as usual despite it hurting. I'm not a huge fan of practicing at the back of the room but I do. What outweighs that is that I don't like feeling people's eyes on my back when I'm at the front. This way I blend in and practice at my own pace and the teacher also doesn't expect much out of me if I'm way in the back. By Triangle pose, I was wiped yesterday. My mid-lower back is definitely my weakest set of muscles as they tend to ache, almost unbearably, by the time Eagle pose is happening. I can't wait to have a strong back. I am noticing though, that my thigh muscles are really bulging lately. I like that. They're not bulging in a grotesque way, they're just looking sculpted. I'm finally pushing my legs and bum forward properly. I love Bikram instructors' legs/bums. I am starting to see myself in their place. I think, if I ever have to take on a day job again, or decide to do something else to make money, I will become a Bikram instructor. That's years and years down the road. of course. In the meantime, I'm going to become a hard-working, well-known actress who practices Bikram yoga on such a regular basis that she should be an instructor.

Today I hope to get a 4pm class. Might as well stay on the wagon until I go on vacation in a week and a half and fall off the wagon for another week.