Getting Prepped

I'm excited to begin. That's why I'm writing before my class and not just after. I am going to take it easy in this first class back after a whole week of chowing on candy, junk food and alcohol. I am going to do another 30-day challenge and I am going to succeed!

If I had a creed, it would include the promise that I will not beat myself up if I miss a day. I was much too hard on myself the last time. The one reason I may not make a handful of days is if there are no Bikram classes at the time I can make it. My studio offers a different style hot class throughout the week but it's not my thing.

My focus this time around will be strictly Bikram. If I was right in my assessment from the last 30-day challenge, the combination of the two was too stressful for my knees. I am eager to see my progress with a strictly Bikram routine. If I see no difference, then I know that it's because yoga 7x a week is too much for me. If my knees are okay, then I'll know that Bikram is good for me.

Ugh.

I thought today would be the day I go back. It's not. I have to work an emergency shift at my restaurant. One of the employees is in the hospital so I'm going in. I never, ever cover shifts anymore because I frankly don't really care about the job anymore. I've had my fill of it but I do like my employers and they're very good to me so it's about time I paid them back a bit.

This past weekend was a weekend of excess for me. I ate too much candy and drank too much alcohol. I'm actually nervous to go back to yoga because of how bad it might feel. I'm completely and utterly dehydrated and I'm not inclined towards waking up early and I'm certainly not inclined towards waiting for my coffee until after the class. That's got to be the worst part of doing yoga on a regular basis, missing my coffee first thing. I wish I didn't see it as torture. I've got a lot to change about myself. It was starting to become a very good habit and suppose it still is in that I am motivated to go back save for a few fears.

I need to regulate my sleep schedule. That is the most important thing for me. I wake up feeling so disappointed in myself when I look at the clock and it says 11am. However, I can't fall asleep until at least 2:30am. So, in reality, I'm only getting a regular night's sleep of 8 hours. I also need to have a regular eating schedule. I'm the worst eater in the world. Actually, I'm one of the most disorganized and unmotivated people I know. I have nothing but my career to live for and my schedule is dictated by no obligations and no self-discipline. It's frustrating. I don't like routines very much, as you can tell, and I don't like living by other people's schedules but this is getting out of hand. I'm a bit dramatic, sure. It's only been a week since my last yoga class. But I think more than anything, I need to get my life organized not just my yoga practice.

Guilt

I will be "starting over" on Tuesday. Such is life. I'm extremely disappointed in myself but also quite ecstatic to not have anything physical to do. So, am I really disappointed or is it just Guilt? It's a bit of both. This often happens to me when I get this far into an activity or hobby or even, say, my career. I'm noticing this as a pattern. I remember many a time in my early days as an actor when I was thoroughly disgusted with the profession and the people involved in it. I think the same is happening for hot yoga. I am so uninterested in the people that do hot yoga because of either their over-eager enthusiasm or their apparent and very obvious "pain." Needless to say, it's something I need to get over because I really do enjoy this yoga. I have a hard time keeping the focus on myself right now. I'm obviously much too distracted and annoyed with all the people around me. With time, I hope to tune all these folks out and/or accept them for who they are and the reasons they do yoga.

Help!

Ack! Help! I can't seem to get my arse out of bed in the morning and off to yoga. It's getting dire right now. I have gone to 1 class this week. 1! I was supposed to be at class yesterday but I missed it by mere minutes and I hate being late and rushed so I didn't rush and I didn't want to show up late even if my teacher would let me in.

I gotta get back on track but I'm not sure how to get my motivation. I find yogis in the Bikram lineage to be a tad annoying so the forum isn't really a source of inspiration for me (http://www.hotyogadoctor.com/index.php/site/forum/). The health benefits and the look my body has taken on should be inspiration enough. But it ain't.

I will get myself to an 11am class tomorrow. I know I just simply need to get myself there in order to not feel so defeated. Plus, I have paid for a monthly pass and I have to make it worth the money. I have been stressed and excited by my acting prospects that I haven't been able to focus. Also, I have been going to bed super late (because I can't fall asleep) and waking up equally late, i.e. noon. That kills an entire day. But if I can't make myself fall asleep, then I don't know how to remedy this. I think I need to put myself to bed at a ridiculously early hour, like 9:30pm, take some melatonin and try each evening to get myself to sleep earlier and earlier. When I book my series, I will have tons of 5am mornings and at the rate I'm going, that will be hell on earth for me. Yoga is always best first thing in the morning anyways.

I find I lose my spiritual connection swiftly when my acting prospects start looking up. I become super worldly and completely forget my desire and need for spiritual connection. That should be inspiration enough, especially this Easter weekend.

Happy Easter!

New York, New York

I'm getting used to not practicing for 3 days straight. I haven't been since Friday. My husband and I ventured to New York for the weekend and arrived back home late Sunday night. We went on a Thursday and somehow, I managed to make it to a class on Friday.

It was intense. I went to the Bikram studio on the Lower East Side; the pink one. The vibe I get from new Bikram studios and new Bikram teachers, no matter where in the world, is so intense it's almost not healthy. It doesn't feel like "yoga". There's nothing peaceful about it. They just spew out the same, by-the-book dialogue that they're taught at Teacher Training. It's also what I would imagine boot camp to feel like. There's no room for the mental pain factor because frankly, in my opinion, that's the only real pain that exists. It hurts physically but once the heat starts to permeate your brain, it's all over. This studio was packed to the rafters and I, being from out of town and not sure of where to go and how long it will take, arrived just in time which meant I had the worst spot in the room. I was RIGHT next to heaters, both to my side and behind me. The room was stacked 3 rows deep so that I, being in the 3rd row, could barely see myself in the mirror. Then, to make it wonderfully worse, after a rainy, rainy afternoon, the sun came blasting through the windows during the floor series. Where was I, aside from being next to 2 heaters? You got it, right next to the windows. The sun shown just when I was mentally about to crack. It was such a HOT room even without the sun. Luckily I had a hair band that I put to good use. I covered my eyes like I was some Zen yogi practicing with a blindfold. I KNOW I looked like a kook but I was so cranky with this teacher that I wanted to piss him off by doing something "different". The reason I was so cranky was because he had drawn the curtain for one half of the room when the sun started shining but not for my half. I was so fragile and pissed at that point, that I swore to myself that he was doing it on purpose. And the reason I thought he was doing it on purpose? He kept insisting that we all stay together and I know I was occasionally and accidentally going ahead of his robot dialogue. This was probably so far from the truth but like I said, I was fragile and took everything personally. There were at least 50 people in the room so obviously there was no friggin' way he was "getting revenge" on me :)

Anyways, I am eager to get to my regular studio today. It's peaceful there and I can focus and concentrate. My teacher is the most senior Bikram teacher in Canada so he's achieved a Zen that new Bikram teachers aren't even close to finding. I think most young/new Bikram teachers treat this yoga as a "workout" and not as a means to meditation and inner peace. I will forgive them. They are yoga babies and hopefully by the time they reach the age of 90, they will be Zen masters and gentle yogis rather than automatons who worship this man, Bikram.

Here We Go Again!

Bad, bad, bad. I haven't been to yoga in 4 DAYS!!! WHAT?! I've been busy doing a shoot but the past 2 days I have absolutely NO excuse. I'm dreading going back today. I have been stalling which class to go to. I dread how hard it will be on my weak muscles. But I gotta do it, right? Right, I think. On a purely vain note, the reactions alone to the look of my body have been worth doing Bikram. The costume department on the pilot I did were very complimentary so I think I better keep doing it for the simple reason that costumes will fit that much better than on my old body. Okay, I'll update you on how tonight's class goes. Ugh. I keep making myself start over. But such is life, no?

...continued from today...so, it's 4:55pm and I am still stalling. there's a class at 8:45pm tonight. I hope people show up. I don't want to be the only one there. But I might have to be. I gotta go. Argh.

Morning Vs. Night

I went to class yesterday and today. I went last night at 7:30pm. I was nice and flexible and pretty strong. I went today at noon, without any food or coffee in me and I was fairly stiff and a little weak. My arms were not cool with an "early morning" workout. In Bikram you have to maintain straight, strong arms in most of the standing poses. Those triceps were not in the mood, lemme tell ya. It didn't take long to get warmed up though. And I am much more calm after having just woken up and no caffeine coursing through my veins. If I go later in the day, my pranayama is tense and agitating and my breathing through my practice is much more laboured. However, I don't push myself as hard in the morning as I do at night. At night I have a really strong, intense practice. Whereas, my morning practice is all about waking up my muscles and joints so I'm less inclined for a "workout". It's definitely more spiritual in the morning and more of a workout in the aft/evening.