New Kinda Blog

Well, I have officially fallen off the wagon. It's disappointing, to say the least, but at the same time, I have no desire to get back on the Bikram bandwagon. I wish it suited me better but I can't seem to get hydrated quickly enough between classes due to some medication I take and because I have the tiniest bladder anyways and can't seem to absorb water into my body fast enough before it makes it's way south. I could really beat myself up about this considering how enthusiastic I used to be for Bikram yoga. I won't completely rule out this style but if I want to feel good about myself I need to find a new outlet for my energy and fast.

I have gone through some ups and downs regarding religion, spirituality and my family recently. As I wrestle with issues with my mother, I then encounter doubts about where my beliefs really are based, i.e. Catholicism, Yoga and Wicca. I think all religions that have the human race's wellbeing at heart are inherently good. But we can't belong to and practice every religion. I am still a practicing Catholic but just barely. I had a really enlightening Lenten experience and I still feel intensely close to Jesus but I also have been researching Yoga and the true practice of it in all it's aspects. Also, I have a friend who hosts Wiccan-style equinox celebrations. I took part in the Spring equinox "ascension" the other night. I felt slightly ill at ease and still do because it was different from what I know and to add to that uncomfortable feeling, what I have been taught about witches is that they are Satanic and inherently evil. So, if I believe in my heart what I said before about all religions being inherently good, why am I feeling this way? Should I trust this feeling or do I acknowledge that it is simply because it is outside my comfort zone and that is all? I'd like to convince myself of the latter.

I lack discipline spiritually. As I write this, I realize I want desperately to find a Catholic teacher who embraces all religions and feels the same way I do about their inherent goodness. I then want that person to teach me how to be true to myself and how to work through these feelings of discomfort. I want to learn how to discern properly. I read somewhere that discernment is a grace from God so I suppose I should take my own advice here and pray for the gift of discernment. I only want to serve and please God, not just the patriarchal God of Catholicism but the God that everyone seeks to get close to. (I know, not everyone seeks "God".)

Alright, my brain hurts now.

Keep On Truckin'

I'm still going. Since Day 30, I've probably been to about 6 or 7 classes. I am actually noticing a positive difference in my legs now that I'm skipping a day or two off between classes. They're getting really toned. It's kind of shocking to be quite honest. I think the time off gives my muscles time to develop. It also gives me time to relax! I'm such a lazy bum, otherwise.

Today's class was particularly hot. I couldn't believe how tough the heat was. Everyone was "dying" around me. I couldn't get over how many grunts and groans there were. But it was abnormally hot in there. The people heading into class after us were a bit stunned by how hot it was which validated my thoughts on the matter. In other words, I knew I wasn't crazy.

I was very strong though and made it through every pose. I may not have done each pose perfectly but I worked really, really hard. Yay for me.

Day 30

I have made it to Day 30! Tonight I will attend the 6pm class and then take tomorrow off! (I think.) Somehow, I have managed to have amnesia after every class. I come out feeling awesome then my body starts to get a little creaky again and I think, "Time to go to class!" Then when I'm in the midst of it, I think, "Why the hell am I doing this to myself? I'll never come again," or "There's no way my brain will let me forget this pain. I am so disappointed in myself for giving up but there is no way I will come back to this torture chamber." But I do, because it's so good for me. According to Bikram, I work every gland and muscle and organ in my body with this workout. And not only is it a workout, but it also helps me attain control of my mind and body which in turn helps me in my spiritual quest to unite with God.

I have become friendlier with the people I practice with on a regular basis. Not to the point where I talk to them much but we give each other knowing smiles before or after class. Once you recognize a regular class-goer, you both can share each other's pain because we're all dying in class. When one is fading, we all start to fade. It really is a shared energy in that room. The more strength we can add to the class, the better all of our practices become. I know I am rejuvenated psychologically when I know there are a bunch of teachers practicing alongside me. Their strength automatically adds to my own.

I am really proud of myself for making it this far in my practice and hope my practice continues to be strong.

Day 27

I'm writing pre-class. I'm at Day 27 today and I'm ready for one day off. I can do the class alright but I don't wanna :) I wanted a cup of coffee today so bad not because I needed it but because I wanted it. However, it works against hydration so I thought better of it and resisted. I knew I would regret it during class and thankfully I can instantly draw to mind the feelings that "mid-class" conjure up. Today I could have kept sleeping for a long time but really, who enjoys that day in and day out? After a while, I just start feeling lazy. I'm not doing anything these days except the occasional audition and hot yoga every day. At least I've got the yoga to give me some direction in life. It is a life of leisure indeed but I don't think that's healthy for long periods of time. Perhaps I can look at it as I time of rejuvenation instead of constantly beating myself up. I would like to volunteer my services to doing charitable works but I don't where I should direct my energies. I think my church would be a good place to start because at least I would have an anchor of some kind. Anyways, those are my thoughts today pre-class -- scattered and lacking drive :)

Day 21

I ALMOST saw my toes in bow pose!!! I say "almost" with glee because the teacher was as excited as I was because it's just a matter of another class or two before I see them myself :) That is all.

Day 20

Things are looking good. I have made it successfully to Day 20 and the only thing bugging me is my IT band on left leg. I know the reason why (city walking) which makes for even less concern.

I love yoga. Bikram's yoga, to be specific. I feel really healthy and happy. I go through mood swings, sure, but that would happen anyways. I haven't taken any of my Chinese herbs today but I'm still feeling good. I suppose I should get back on those. They're just so tedious. I also just realized that I need to take my skin medication. Oops.

I'm feeling nice and strong and even limber in class. I have increased my flexibility in my lower back and hamstrings which -- you have no idea -- is so damn satisfying however minute a visible difference. I can feel the difference and I think you can see the difference. I'm grabbing my heels in forward bend and my strength is greater in my ankles and legs (and fingers) to be able to hold it longer. Each class I am able to hold poses for a little bit longer and a little bit longer and so on and so forth. I'm building a nice strong foundation for a lifetime of yoga. As I try to figure out if I will get a year membership or tri-monthly membership in June, I realize I need to just pay up so that I will always need to attend class; give myself no choice.

Day 17 of yoga, Day 1 of Lent

Going into Day 17. I'm feeling kinda neutral about it all. I had a tough class (once again) yesterday but made it through relatively easily. As always, I feel amazing after class. I was a tad on the tired side last night, however. I attribute that to dehydration. I tried to drink more than usual today. It's usually to no avail as I piss a ton of it out. Today, not so bad. I waited until 2pm to take my skin medication. I drank a lot more up until that point. I've tapered off and hope to see a difference in class today.

I realize the only thing that really drags me down in class is that damn heat. It's HOT! When the teacher gives a reprieve in the form of a draft from an open door, I can make it through all of the poses no problem. That's how I know it's the heat. I wonder if I would push myself more physically if the heat was less intolerable. I know, I know, that's the whole point of Bikram's yoga. It also protects my muscles and tendons from injury. I get that. I hope I get over it though.

It's also the first day of Lent. I'm off to a good start. I am in limbo though as far as what book to start off my Lenten reading. I have two books that interest me. Having just finished Teresa of Avila's autobiography, I want to read Therese of Lisieux next. With that, I'm eager to read Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. Mystical prayer is my primary focus these days, Christian mysticism, to be precise since that is what I feel most strongly called to, with the influence and knowledge of other forms of mystical prayer. I think those two would be a good start. In addition, Scriptural reading, of course.