Well, I have officially fallen off the wagon. It's disappointing, to say the least, but at the same time, I have no desire to get back on the Bikram bandwagon. I wish it suited me better but I can't seem to get hydrated quickly enough between classes due to some medication I take and because I have the tiniest bladder anyways and can't seem to absorb water into my body fast enough before it makes it's way south. I could really beat myself up about this considering how enthusiastic I used to be for Bikram yoga. I won't completely rule out this style but if I want to feel good about myself I need to find a new outlet for my energy and fast.
I have gone through some ups and downs regarding religion, spirituality and my family recently. As I wrestle with issues with my mother, I then encounter doubts about where my beliefs really are based, i.e. Catholicism, Yoga and Wicca. I think all religions that have the human race's wellbeing at heart are inherently good. But we can't belong to and practice every religion. I am still a practicing Catholic but just barely. I had a really enlightening Lenten experience and I still feel intensely close to Jesus but I also have been researching Yoga and the true practice of it in all it's aspects. Also, I have a friend who hosts Wiccan-style equinox celebrations. I took part in the Spring equinox "ascension" the other night. I felt slightly ill at ease and still do because it was different from what I know and to add to that uncomfortable feeling, what I have been taught about witches is that they are Satanic and inherently evil. So, if I believe in my heart what I said before about all religions being inherently good, why am I feeling this way? Should I trust this feeling or do I acknowledge that it is simply because it is outside my comfort zone and that is all? I'd like to convince myself of the latter.
I lack discipline spiritually. As I write this, I realize I want desperately to find a Catholic teacher who embraces all religions and feels the same way I do about their inherent goodness. I then want that person to teach me how to be true to myself and how to work through these feelings of discomfort. I want to learn how to discern properly. I read somewhere that discernment is a grace from God so I suppose I should take my own advice here and pray for the gift of discernment. I only want to serve and please God, not just the patriarchal God of Catholicism but the God that everyone seeks to get close to. (I know, not everyone seeks "God".)
Alright, my brain hurts now.